#i felt really really bad that day so the theme resonated a lot

[nicromancytarot]

ALL ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE 18+ themes, lots of information!!

This is a general reading based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my readings are not for you.

I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes. I don’t change for these readings and I do not fake readings. I would tell you the cards I got but I pull like 15-20 cards each reading and that just slightly a strenuous task to write them all down lmao.

(This took me 3 days lmao, please like, follow and reblog)

PICK A CARD READING

I asked my spirit guides what you need to know about your future spouse, pick a pile to find out!!

Pile 1 ———> Pile 2 ———> Pile 3

PILE 1 (TW sexual abuse)

“I need to take time for myself” “let’s take this to the next level” “i don’t want anyone else”

Their appearance

I’m seeing lighter hair, light brown to a blonde-white, I’m seeing they may have muscles, or just a nicely toned body. It also looks like their back may be very prominent to their appearance, they may work out extra to achieve really nice back muscles. They could honestly have a large top half and skinny bottom half (Miguel O’Hara for example.) I’m seeing someone quite tall, they may have an interesting shaped head, like not in a bad way, it might just appear more prominently on them. For a guy, long third leg.. (They allowed me to say this one.) Possible big ears, or maybe even wears earrings or something to highlight them. The right side of their face is the best for them lmao, they might pose showing their right side for pictures.

About them

They‘ve have been through some hardships in their life, they’ve been fucked over pretty bad in the past, and while they don’t like to dwell on it, I wanted to bring it up. It’s seeming like they may have gone through sexual assault, I’m seeing that they used to appear quite sexualised in the past, something they did themself, however, someone close to them felt valid enough to abuse their power and cause harm to your partner through their self-expression. This hurt your partner a lot, they’re still healing, I’m heading “please take your time with me” when it comes to sex, they have some extreme vulnerability about it, they need you to understand that; they’re begging me not to sexualise them, and they’re asking you nicely to do the same, give them the respect that someone thought was ok to steal from them.

Due to this mass betrayal, they appear very closed off to new love, they have a lot of people that want them, and fawn over them, but this situation has completely made them turn a blind eye to those who see them. It will take you a while to crack this person open, however once you do, it will be more than worth it.

They will be very slow to start this connection with you, but once they are sure that you can be trusted, and they feel safe around you, they will set up camp by your side, and they don’t plan on leaving.

Their career

They’re very financially successful, but I see that this took them a while, I think they began building up financial abundance due to wanting their family to be there for them, and take notice in their achievements.

In work I think they may be underestimated, appearing as the lioness, I can only be reminded of the over glamorisation of lions, and the societal irrelevancy of lionesses, even though they do more for the lion population than the lion, as a collective do for themselves. Unfortunately this being said, I see they are idolised for their body, rather than their talents (I’m getting Sidney Sweeney, and Vinnie Hacker for this, both talented people, who are only seen as pieces of meat, or some type of chew toy.) Your person is really disrespected and it’s making me so mad, man. They’re trying their hardest to break out of the stereotype, however I feel as though there are colleges of theirs that constantly sexualise them, making them feel very uncomfortable. Again, I’m getting the same message as before, they are yearning for someone to treat them like a human being, and not just a vessel of sex organs.

Their family

Mentioned prior, they do not have the best relationship with their family, I think there’s some deep-rooted and ínstense trauma from possible childhood, I see they were the type of child to get all perfect grades to try and impress, and make their parents proud, however I don’t think it worked. Their parents seem very self focused and absorbed in their own life, and business.

They assumed that becoming even more successful, making a name for themself, earning masses of money would make their family proud, but it never worked.

They may have cut their family out of their life, or they are considering it. If they don’t decide to cut their family off, it most likely comes from hope and fear, they are scared that their family won’t notice all their biggest achievements if they cut them out, and they hope that eventually they will be able to achieve something big enough so their family is proud of them. They blame themself a lot for “not being enough” and not making them proud.

How they are in bed

I was not able to get much for this, but I do see that they need to really be able to trust you fully before getting into bed with you, they need a lot of time and reassurance, they really need you to understand their fears. The first time you guys have sex, you may unintentionally bring up some hidden wounds, they’re telling me to tell you not to worry, they’ll look into your eyes and it’ll be gone. They may need eye contact the first time, they need that constant reminder that it’s you, and that you won’t hurt them.

They gave me a few explicit messages, so for that I got

“Cum on your face”

“Make a sex tape” (I feel like they would burn this onto a hard drive and keep it in a place only they know about, only showing you if you asked them to.)

“Food play”

When I got these messages, I had a fan on so I needed to put the papers under something so they didn’t fly away, I unknowingly put them under the chariot card, so I’m really getting again that you will need to work for this. The chariot was also the only sexual illustration I got.

Another thing is that they don’t want you telling your friends about your guys sex lives, they don’t want more people to sexualise them.

They also may finish very fast the first time, this could be out of sensation since I don’t think they would’ve had sex for a very long time by the time you guys meet and start dating.

Their love language

Acts of service, they enjoy doing things for the people that they care about, unfortunately it seems this has stemmed from their neglecting childhood, they feel as though they must do something for someone to feel loved. They do not quite understand that love is not a give to receive, you may have to be the one to teach them this. Your future spouse only believe people will love them if they do something for that person in return.

Quality time, they like to be with the people they care about, i’m seeing two people sat in silence on some arm chairs, one person is resting their head on their arm while scrolling aimlessly on their phone, meanwhile the other is reading a book, holding it with one hand as the other plays with the hand belonging to their counterpart, their fingers tracing the skin of their lover’s hand gently, fingers only just intertwining.

Their shadows

Your future spouse does not see their own self worth, they do not value themself as a person, or even a creator, whatever they do in life, they are a very creative and diverse person, yet they don’t feel that way. It’s as if they suffer from imposter syndrome, they never feel worthy of their achievements, because no one ever made them feel as though their success mattered.

They can be very closed off with their feelings, they become resentful towards their emotions and just wish they could rip the feelings from their body. They may say things they don’t mean in the moment, mostly because they don’t feel worthy of your love, but as soon as they realise what they have done, they will bring you to their chest and hug you tightly.

This reaction will never escalate further than a shout of anger.

I sense they might refuse therapy, you may have a lot of arguments about this, they try to tell themself that they do not need therapy, but this is mainly because they fear they will be laughed at, for coming to this person with trauma that even they struggle to understand, even after having gone through it. I would encourage you to try your best to get them to go to therapy, maybe even both of you together so you can get to know each other on a more intimate level.

Please be gentle with them my pile 1, they are truly a blessing of a soul.

PILE 2

“I’m not ready” “you’re too good for me” “let’s take this to the next level” (you may have been attracted to pile 1, if so maybe go check it out.)

Their appearance

Lighter hair, for a select few of you, it’s black. I think they might have longer hair, and like to wear it up, or they enjoy covering their head with a hat or other accessories. I’m getting medium height, maybe even shorter than you, or possibly only a little taller than you. I think they enjoy dressing more provocative, perhaps having shirt buttons undone, or just not wearing a shirt at all, they really like their body, and they know they have a good one. If they have abs, I would say they are there but quite faint, not toned, just enough to show. Their hair could be curly, or it’s just the first thing you notice when you meet them. I’m getting pirate vibes, they might dress up more like a pirate honestly, buttoned down blouses, a bandana on their head, their hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. The area of their nose, lips, philtrum, and chin is very prominent, a main focal point on their face. Their eyes make them look tired and drunk, the classic sleepy eyes. They may wear a lot of jewellery, specifically gold. Their skin seems more into the tanner tones for the dark haired individuals, they may be part of the latino/a community. For the people with lighter hair, I see they could be based around Europe.

About them

I hate fuelling delusions like this, but multiple cards are pointing to this person being an ex, it seems like they had your heart at one point and came back for more, after having messed up the first time. They do seem very remorseful for their previous mistakes, they want you to know that they were naive and selfish, they didn’t know how to treasure something as important, and valuable as your love, however they want you to know that they are ready now. I see they could have cheated on you in the past, left you for another person, or just been toxic with you, and just treated you badly. Please take in mind that I do not want you to get back with any super shitty ex, you have free will so don’t do that, however I do think this person has changed for the better. With the chariot, and hanged man, I’m seeing they worked on themself to be able to be good for you, it may have taken them a few years.

For those of you who’s future spouse is not an ex, I would say that the first time you guys met, there was a sense of competition and it turned you completely off from them, or they just came across rude, and arrogant while trying to impress you, and you just weren’t feeling it. They’re coming back around to show you how serious they actually are about making this relationship with you work. They will need some time, one sided enemies to lovers lmao.

Their career

I feel as though they have a good amount of material wealth, they seem to have everything they could desire, they could be a little bit of a workaholic, which possibly can cause some drama between you, you will need to remind them of how important spending time together is, they will listen, they are always willing to compromise with you.

Their job is one filled with a lot of competition, I’m honestly getting technology, they could work with technology, they could be under a tech company position, or maybe they even work from home doing their own thing on their computer.

They can appear secretive when it comes to their job, they’re not trying to keep it a secret, or hidden from you, they simply just don’t really think to talk about it that much. Lowkey, they could be a moderator for some type of famous streamer, (lmao??) or they could work in a position where they help people with managing publicity, like an agent or something.

This job does seem interesting, but it does come across a little like they do it more so for the money, than for an actual enjoyment that they find. Some of them do enjoy their job, but I don’t think they would stick with it, if it didn’t offer them the money and exposure that it does.

Their family

I honestly feel like it was their family’s influence that got them to start working on themself, I get the sense that their mother was possibly the one to force them into therapy, she may have even sat through his first session lol.

I think he’s mainly closest to the woman in his family, I’m getting a close friendship with their 1-2 sisters, possibly older, rather than younger. Im getting that they see them a little puppy that needs training, if you guys get into an argument, and they go to their sisters, the oldest one would be quick to correct your future spouse on their mistakes, and convince them to talk to you again and apologise for whatever they did.

Their family love you, if it’s a second chance scenario, they are so happy that you guys get another chance at loving each other, they truly want you to stay part of their family.

I’m seeing a young girl, possibly around the age of 5-6, you will be very close to her, I’m feeling it’s a niece or cousin, who is constantly around when you visit the rest of the family.

How they are in bed

They honestly appear quite vanilla, all bark no bite to be honest, they will say the flirtiest things to you, and they appear quite sexual, but once you get into the bedroom, they become all shy and reserved, there is a potential for you to bring them out of their shell however.

I’m seeing that sex for them is more-so about their own pleasure, they can seem a bit selfish during sex because of this, they may also see it as a way to compete with others, I’m hearing “I have them in a way that no one else ever will,” they may deal with a little bit of jealousy when it comes to your relationship, they are you as a very desired person, so they worry that someone will steal you away from them, being intimate with you is like proof to them that you are there’s and no one else could have you in such a compromising position.

They may finish really fast, I’m seeing someone who is struggling to keep their attraction in, the way your eyes penetrate into theirs will have them a stuttering mess, unexpectedly pushing them to their climax, though I feel like you will be nowhere near your own. You may need to help them with how to pleasure you, so you also reach your destination!

They could be a virgin, they don’t seem very experienced, they may have even waited for marriage, so this could be the night of your wedding.

They’re on top, it makes them feel more masculine and in charge of the situation, I also think they need to be able to pick their own pace to make sure they don’t overwhelm themself the first time.

They will be bursting with anticipation every time you initiate something with them.

They may have a desire to watch you touch yourself, they know about the important places of pleasure for people of your gender, however they don’t know exactly how to treat those places, so they may ask you to touch yourself to show them, this could lead to an intense session of mutual masterbation, for the select few of you, this will come before your wedding, they’ll ask you about how they should pleasure you on your wedding night, and you will show them, they will get into the mood as well and join you in the bed, this will almost make them cave in and take you there and then.

“Pull my hair”

“You make me so hard/wet”

“Let me taste”

Their open to whatever you’re into, just give them time to adjust to the new sensations of sex first, before you spring any random kinks onto them.

Their love language

Physical touch, they enjoy being around you and putting their hands on you at any chance they get, they like to hold your hand, to wrap their arms around your waist, they just like how you feel under their touch, if they feel like they’re working too much, they will invite you to sit with them, possibly on their lap so they can have you with them.

They like their bare skin to touch yours, I don’t think they sleep with much on, maybe shirtless with a pair of underwear, they will press their front of your back, making sure their bare chest hits your bare back, and back of shoulders.

Gift giving, they like to buy you things, I think it’s in a way of trying to make up for how they treated you in the past, they use their money to prove to you how serious they are about you and their relationship with you, they’re very possessive of their material wealth, so sharing it with you is something massive, and unexpected. If you see something in the store window, they’ll notice you even as much as glanced at it, and they will make sure it belongs to you in no time.

Their shadows

Their can appear a little selfish at times, I think they’ve had to protect and defend themself all their life, so now they feel as though shutting people out and not letting them in is the best answer to cure and keep away any upcoming insecurities.

Your future spouse needs to lose things to understand how much they actually mean to them, they don’t appreciate things enough until it’s taking away from them, luckily for them, they tend to work hard enough to manage to get this back, ensuring that it will never be taken away again.

Their downplay their transformations, they don’t exaggerate, but honestly the complete opposite, they feel as though their past and their future and two completely different identities, they need constant reminders that their success is still their success, no matter how long ago it was.

PILE 3

“I don’t want anyone else” “do you feel the same?” “you’re the only one I want in my life” (again, you could’ve also been attracted to pile 1, I wouldn’t recommend going back up however, I think it may have been the warning that caught your eye rather than the pile itself!)

Their appearance

I’m getting chestnut brown, to black hair, for a woman, it’s casts down her back, quite long. For a man, It’s around medium length, maybe just above their shoulders. Their back is very prominent in this pile, I feel like they have nicely defined back muscles, however I do not think they are an incredibly muscular person. They could honestly dress more punk/emo, wearing black leather jackets which are decorated, and bedazzled with silver spikes, I do see a possibility for a more alternative style for men, feminine outifts for women, types of styles that accentuates their hips and bust.

They might like going outside a lot, they’d be the type to suggest a camping trip, so they wear clothes that are suitable, and durable for being outside for extended periods of time. Big black boots is another thing I’m getting, their hair could also be spiked up for a select few of you. (I’m honestly picking up Johnnie Gilbert similarities for this pile, maybe Johnnie’s future wife is watching, and they just don’t know, that’s crazy.)

About them

They know better than to overwork themself, they may be the type that needs to mentally recharge after being around people for too long, they also seem to take in a lot of energy when around people, they’re like a little portable charger, however this does mean that they get burnt out very quickly. Luckily, they are not one to ignore the signals of their body and mind, so if they need to rest and be alone for a little, they will do that, this can however make them appear a tad aloof.

I don’t think they’re the best at expressing their emotions, they keep them hidden for a reason, I believe out of fear of judgment, or getting hurt again. I’m seeing someone who may have been cheated on by an ex partner, I don’t imagine they got closure on whatever this situation was, if it wasn’t cheating, it was some type of intense betrayal. They may appear a bit condescending at times, this is their way of trying to push you away before you find out about their feelings, they weirdly think you will leave them or condemn them for showing any natural, human emotion.

Their hardworking in all areas of their life, mainly self improvement, they want to become the best version of themself, so their partner can be comfortable with them. I do see that they will have a dramatic change of circumstance, or just who they are as a person, around the time that they meet you, which would be done for you, or for some of you, they will improve themself right before you guys meet, this change in their life will bring you to them.

Their career

They have a job where their workload and work time is flexible, they have the ability to not work one day, and pick up the work the next day if they so please. This is good because it means they will be making sure they always have time for you, to make you feel appreciated.

Their job is focused around nurturing responsibility, they are a leader of their area, but not a leader overall, they may have some type of job where they have to be a role model for people of a younger age, mild fame or influencing is showing strongly (bro which one of you are Johnnie’s wife, this is getting too specific.)

The job brings in a lot of material abundance, I don’t see they have to worry about too much, other than understanding that their work can be overwhelming, and that they need to pace themself, allowing themself to take breaks is super important with this pile.

It’s a job that offers them long term stability, and more money with the higher their position gets, if this person is mildly famous, or some type of influencer, the more fame and fans they gain, the more money they will be raking in, however they do need to remember where their loyalties lie, and always make sure to appreciate the fandom that gave them what they have now.

Their family

Their family are so different from them lmao, like polar opposites, I’m seeing the sweetest mother who always makes baked goods, sometimes they can appear a little interesting, but taste good nonetheless. Their father calls them by a nickname which your future spouse hates, their father is really sweet, I’m getting someone a little more laidback, who would rub your partners hair to mess it up for absolutely no reason.

You will feel very welcome into this family, they do not discriminate since their son/daughter/child has gone through some intense stuff in their life, and they are just thankful that you are able to bring them security, and safety, your person could’ve struggled badly with mental health, and it may have worried their family, so their parents are super happy that you’re able to keep them happy. However, please remember that someone’s mental health is not your responsibility solely.

How they are in bed

I don’t think they would’ve had sex for a while before you guys got together, I think they may have done some type of sexual cleanse, they were possibly a fuck boy/girl in the past, so they quit it to help themself improve and be the best version of themself.

They may need a little while to really get ready to be intimate with you, it might come as a conversation that the two of you share, explaining that you would like to have sex with them, and them setting a date for it so nothing can go wrong. I see them prepping by shaving their entire body lmao, they’re going all out, if it’s a man, they’re going to get so many cuts in all the wrong places, and they will definitely complain about it to you. They do expect you to be as prepared as they are, so get yourself ready, find yourself a nice, new perfume and get to it.

I do not think they will have sex with you outside of the relationship, I feel as though they have so many sexual requests from people, it makes them feel only valuable for their body, they don’t want to be seen as just a warm body that you get to lay under, the first time you are intimate with them. You have to prove yourself before sex, and even then, it may take a while. I’m getting around eight to ten months after dating, they really don’t want to be fooled and used for their body, especially after their sexual cleanse.

They like to be on top, they may honestly end up sweating and shivering at the end of it, like that one scene from Titanic when Jack is shaking in the carriage while laying on top of Rose with a blanket.

The sex will get progressively more rough and interesting over time, but the first time is just pure love making.

“Look into my eyes”

“Fuck you silly”

“Tie you up”

I’m getting that they will need aftercare more than you will, while both of you will be giving it to each other, they are a lot more in need of it, I feel like you would be fine to just go into the kitchen and make yourself something to eat, meanwhile they desire to be in your arms for the next couple of hours.

Their love language

Physical touch, they need to be at least holding your hand at all times, they would lowkey like to wear a lipstick stain you created on their cheek or jaw, they like people to know that you are theirs, and they are yours. They may also really like when you give them hickeys, they will absolutely allow those to be on show for everyone to see, they are too proud to hide them. They like to hold your stomach? Perhaps it’s when you sleep, they like to rest their hand on your stomach, or perhaps they want to get you pregnant, they may be very serious about having kids sometime in the future.

Words of affirmation, they really appreciate when you tell them how good they look, or how the outfit they’re wearing is amazing on their body. They specifically enjoy your compliments, you have a way with explaining things, that makes it seem so much more authentic and honest, they trust your judgment a lot. I do see they have a tendency to feel very insecure, and although so many people tell them how beautiful they are, your future spouse struggles to believe them, thinking it’s some kind of sick joke, but they know you would never joke or make fun of them about that. You’ll be very surprised to find out about their insecurities, you may even think they’re playing with you the first time they mention it, this could make them feel invalidated, so be careful how you tackle this!

Their shadows

They constantly ignore their problems, they have an “out of sight, out of mind” way of thinking, which is just barbaric because it means they don’t sort through their issues and instead push them out of the way. You may need to help them with healing from some past trauma, and realising that they are allowed to feel hurt and anger from those past situations, as they were not at all ideal.

Your future spouse is quick to push people away when they feel as though they’ve said too much, and opened up more than they desired to, due to this, there may be a few times when you feel helpless, and they seem helpless, this is something you can work through together.

They get very defensive, very quickly, if you say something that unintentionally triggers them, they will shut off, going into some type of hermit mode until they feel ready to talk about whatever it is that bothered them.

[strawberryfloofs]

Caregiver Lucifer x Regressor w Trauma Headcanons !

When you first regressed in front of him, he was both confused and freaking out. I mean- he hasn't been the best father- and now there's a regressed person in front of him! In the midst of his panic, he called Charlie

"C-Charlie, hey! I uh- there's uh...an ad- uh child? Let's say child! Well uh- they're definitely not a child but- but they're crying and I don't know what to do-"

Charlie had to explain to him what age regression was. Sure he's the king of hell, but he never heard of it before- he's in his room making ducks afterall!

He didn't fully understand after the phone call, but it cleared up some things for him. He didn't have to fully understand age regression to want to make things better in that moment, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment- walk up to you and hold out a rubber duck, squeezing it so you could hear it quack

"Hey there, um, you can have it. . . ducks make me feel better when I'm upset too"

He stood there awkwardly, not knowing how to comfort you, but he really did care. You looked so scared, upset, and sad. He sat next to you, he didn't know what was and wasn't okay in the moment, but he wanted you to know he was there.

When you felt better, you two spent the whole day together! More like- awkwardly following you around and making sure you didn't do anything dangerous

Once he finally got you to bed, he spent that night researching all about age regression. He stumbled upon a word he remembered Charlie mentioning, a caregiver, and he delved into it deeper and deeper. It was something he resonated with, and he wanted to be that for you. He hadn't been the best father for Charlie, but now he can do all the things he missed out on, with you!

The next day, he asked you about age regression and if he could be your caregiver- he was so happy when you said yes! But he was also sad to learn about how it's not always a pure thing for you, he vowed to always be there during impure regression or any type of big feelings that come up from the trauma and or (C)PTSD you hold.

After learning more about your past, he made it his mission to give you a much better childhood when you regress

And he does just that! You have a meltdown or tantrum? He doesn't judge, he's there through it all! You're done with your food but you didn't eat it all? That's okay, he saved it for later- you can go play now! You're scared you're a bad regressor and a burden? Nope! He reassures you and gives you all the words of affirmations in the world! You misbehaved? Off to timeout, a toy goes to toy-jail or lines! Wha- of course he wasn't gonna lay a hand on you, and your comfort items are safe- you still get them on punishments silly!

Lucifer calls you his little ducky, prince/princess/princex. He also loves to call you little one, bubby, duckling, kiddo, angel, and any nickname he'll think of for your preferred name

Now that he has a regressor, he spoils you in all the duck themed things he could think of! There is NO shortage on bath toys-

DEFINITELY the type of caregiver to dress his baby up in the cutest little outfits

He's very much a homebody, and would love if his regressor was as well! The type of caregiver to love cuddling up with his little one and watching movies together. He IS a blanket hogger, but he'll share- just for you.

Lucifer accepted and knew he'd never be a strict kinda caregiver- but he atleast wanted to stick to some rules, so he did! Well sorta- he's really weak to your puppy-dog eyes and pretty-please faces, so they get bent alot . . .

"Uhh, bedtime is at 10 pm ducky! Awww, well- just one more episode, and then straight to bed little one!"

You never went straight to bed, you guys fell asleep watching your favorite cartoon.

In reality, Lucifer is a very soft and easy-going caregiver, but he does have a lot of anxious feelings about doing his best for you, he doesn't want a repeat of Charlie! But it always warms his heart and makes him feel better when he sees drawings of the two of you- which he keeps in his duck workshop forever.

Very VERY protective and worried about you getting hurt, so if you guys ever go out, you NEED to be holding his hand! He'll put on the sweetest voice and face for you, but he WILL rain hell if anyone dares to upset his little baby. . .

If you like Razzle and Dazzle, you guys go visit the hotel just to play with them! Ooh, and sometimes he'll let them sleepover at his house!

Lucifer being your caregiver means your primary babysitters are Charlie (long-term) and Razzle n Dazzle (short-term). But make sure you don't mention Alastor around him if you tell Luci about your adventures at the hotel! He gets VERY possessive.

Lucifer knew caregiver titles existed- but pshh he never thought that he- I mean, him of all people- would ever be called one! So he was very taken aback and in shock when you dropped the first one.

"(caregiver name)- oOh, uh yeah that's me! *nervously laughs* yeah I'm your (cg name)!"

He's okay with anything, he loves anything, it just means alot and he teared up a little bit. Daddy, Dada, Bubba, Luci, etc whatever it is, you'll see him smile when he hears it!

Uses his connections as king of Hell to get you the best toys and any other little gear you want!

Always reads you bedtime stories, his favorite is The Ugly Duckling

Loves to be as involved in your play as possible! He loves pretend play and playing as the weirdest/funniest of all characters, your laughter and smiles are his reward!

He's very accepting of anything- even if he's physically bothered. You were eating applesauce with your fingers and touched his WHITE coat? It's fineeeee... You yanked his hat off and started biting it- oh go- I mean, it's fine! He doesn't wanna hurt your feelings, plus you're just a baby in his eyes!

"M-my hat- uh yeah, you can keep it just don- *chomp* bite it . . okay, well who's a good little one?! That's right, you are!" Requested by anon! I hope you enjoy and sorry for getting to this request so late!

[lunchtimebedamned1997]

Arcane S2 thoughts

(spoilers, obviously)

Most of this was sent to my friend Penn @pennedinblood in discord first, but I wanted to share it + some more on here too.

Okay, I now that its been a couple days and I've had time to think properly, have some thoughts about Arcane. This isn't going to be as specific and nuanced as I'd like, but I'll need more time for something like that.

Here's the thing... What we did get was good and I liked it a lot - for the most part anyway - but like - it wasn't a very good finale imo...

Like -

In season one they had this just fucking masterful foundation for such a nuanced discussion of class and oppression, of the cycle of violence, of how desperate acts may seem evil to some but are not always as simple as they seem and that one person's actions may influence the narrative but that it is the systems in place - and the willingness to follow systems that harm a disproportionate amount of the population for personal gain - that are the real issue. There were no real villains in s1 imo. It was just people making good, bad, or neutral choices, and they all interconnected and effected not only the plot, but the audiences' understanding of the corrupt system in place.

It forced you (if you're paying attention) to understand with visceral understanding both those of the oppressed and the oppressors; and in the midst of all of that we had magic and science interplaying beautifully against the good and greed of mankind.

AND just vast, resonant, deep interpersonal connections and development that you could feel in your bones.

and then in season two... we just kind of went - 'fuck that here's jesus and a witch ~~~ Magic war tiiime' Like?????

It touched on a few themes for sure, and what Jayce had to say to Viktor about disability and the purpose of people, or the value in imperfection and the point of life - as someone who's struggled with their health and other personal things I don't want to get into on the internet, that hit so hard. I hated Jayce in S1, and he won me over in act one of this season and just - didn't let me down. His arc was beautiful and I really really appreciate it. His connection with Viktor means so much to me. screeches into the void

But lets be so fucking real - they kind of (majorly) chickened out of their mass commentary on the opposing classes and working towards a better system that doesn't harm its people. and instead like - Vi's arc got completely fucked?

Like - oh okay so you ditched everything you were going to say and just made her a strong war pawn who can hit good and is gay coolcoolcool (sobs). Like, act one was so promising it really felt like it was following up on everything they had been working towards, and i loved seeing Vi having to make hard choices; watching her become an enforcer as the only way she could think of to deal with two disparate parts of herself - one that needed to put an end to the monster she feels like she created (Jinx, obvi), and one that desperately needed to hold onto the only person she had left (Caitlyn).

And Cait's devolvement into fascism was so intriguing and dark and I hated it in a good way, yk? Like I was like "oh fuck they made Cupcake unrecognizable in a fucking believable way wtf that's rad bro"

And then in act two they were just like 'HAHA lets not show you anything but the highlights of Vi's inner tumoil, then - wow look Jinx is here to tell her about Vander! - let's just never actually take a hard look into Vi's issues or personal arc ever again teehee - oh! And Cait's on our side again yay!' Like EXCUSE ME???

Vi had stood as one of the most important characters in the entire show. She is the linchpin between Piltover and Zaun - one of only two hinges that connects the two cites (the other being Viktor to a far lesser degree bc his roots are never explored, Singed is the only undercity person we see him go back to interact with, etc etc leaving Vi to be the only 'real one') And they completely sidestepped that - especially how she's also so connected to Ekko and the Firelights - which was just - never touched again - Ekko didn't even get to fix his tree! I get it, bigger fish but ffs - it's not a blaming character thing, it's a writing issue. I understand why Ekko had to focus on smth besides his tree lmao - it's that the writers just dropped this thing that stood so strongly for Ekko's fucking roots man (pun intended). Like - He's representing what Vander wanted to do. What Zuan could be. He is literally making a part of Zaun beautiful and supportive, and standing resolute against the system and saying "both of you are wrong, back tf up and lets talk" and they just got rid of that. I think it says a lot that that in particular was punted into the void.

I'm just not over that we never got to see him and Vi interact again dude wth - and I feel like that really speaks to how much they removed Vi from her point and purpose in S1. It would make sense if she needed more time to reconnect -esp after how Cait betrayed her - but to never actually talk again? Just glimpsing each other in the finale?

Don't get me wrong, I loved some of the time-suckers this season. Mel for one (who I also wasn't a huge fan of in S1 (I didn't trust her lol)). Everything with Mel, Vik, and Jayce was sooo interesting, and Ambessa was a great villain. She was imposing and horrible and yet there were very small parts of her that you could understand - but there wasn't enough time. Not with everything else we were also touching. Not without loosing so much of what we had been working towards. And even with the large focus, The Black Rose was this jumbled mess of ideas that didn't really amount to much besides giving Mel a powerup and probably leading us into the spinoff :(

I've been having trouble processing all of this because I'm shocked and upset because narratively, I didn't like it.

And I HATE that I didn't like it. I liked the individual scenes. I liked the concepts at play. But none of it was fleshed out!

That impeccable no-crumbs-left writing was suddenly nothing but crumbs. A whole feast of them. Nothing was really held together and it left each arc feeling like a separate vaguely-connected vignette rather than a whole story - let alone a satisfying conclusion to the previous season.

I'm genuinely angry because I wanted so badly to love this season but I just don't; not as a whole, not as an ending. Again, the individual moments were largely great, but good moments don't make a good story.

I just feel like they were trying too hard to serve LoL lore. Originally Arcane wasn't cannon-compliant with the messy lore of the game, and then a few months ago they came out and said that it was now considered canon - and I was excited bc I thought that meant that whatever they did would influence League - but I was wrong. I think it's very clear that Canonizing Arcane had the opposite effect. I think it's why they chickened out of their societal commentary - I think it's why the Champion deaths were so 'no body, no proof'. I think that it undercut all the stakes for the writers and made them forced to bend to the will of a lot more oversight from the higher-ups at Riot.

I don't know guys, how are you feeling? I'm really glad we got CaitVi cannonized (but I have things I wanna say about that too, esp. how their sex scene played into the sidestepping of Vi's arc (not that it happened, but the way it did - I can talk more about this another time lmao)) and I loved getting a timebomb kiss (again more Vi arc things I wanna say *sobbing and gnawing on my cage bars*) but yeah - anyway I gotta stop typing before I get too into-the-weeds of my thoughts. I'll probably make a big post about the specifics of how I feel they fucked up Vi's story in another post bc I clearly can't let it go XD

But fr tell me ur thoughts too pls I want to know what you thing even if - maybe even especially if - you disagree with me :3

Idk I've got to rewatch it.

It wasn't bad TV, it's still better than most things coming out right now... I hate that I can't just love it entirely rn raaaaaaahhh auhfalwoiha (help D':)

[riddleredcoats]

I just finished my first playthrough of Veilguard and boy oh boy, do i have thoughts.

but, TLDR:

Bros, this game is so fucking strange.

It literally giving me everything I wanted; every theory for the past 10 years I've had to speculate is bang on, they bring niche characters in a way that makes sense, they give us nice romances, they give us cool combat, EPIC set pieces and then [gestures].

Anyway, this is more for posterity than any real, coherent thoughts.

The Good:

I don't know what sort of wizardry the devs at Bioware made for this game, but this game runs smooth AF. Actually insane in the year of our lord 2024 that a AAA viddy game manages to do it. Kudos must be given.

The art-style grows on you really fast, actually. And considering what happens in the game, especially in the back half, I think making it more stylised was necessary to also compliment the aforementioned point of it running smoothly.

There is in fact, a lot of dark themes in this game. I don't know what game some reviewers played, but to say its basically a clean version of a DA game is... just wrong. I have a theory, in the Bad section, about why they believe that is the case, but Veilguard is filled with Dark Themes.

The set pieces of this game are fucking insane. Like, there is no comparison to any other Bioware game. Even ME3 with its bombastic set pieces isn't a match to Veilguard in the prologue. The Siege at Weisshaupt? Gagged the whole way through. That last 2-4hrs of game were amazing and while I have beef with it - further down - for what it is and what it is trying to be? They succeeded. Some of the best viddy game I have ever viddy gamed, frankly.

The lore drops are also insane. I basically watched all of Solas regrets back to back to back and basically it was confirmation upon confirmation upon confirmation. I'm still in the high of the Solas/Mythal confirmation and that happened like 3 days ago, lmao. And if you know me, you know why - it goes wayyy beyond Solas and Mythal for me, personally.

Morrigan's place in the narrative. Keeping it vague, but just [gestures to all of it].

Issenya... Just... Issenya, man.

The companions. Yeah, they're all great, I don't think there's really a dud one. Sure, I connected more with some than others, but man- these companion quests are involved and meaningful and progress the story. You do get to know them very well. Harding, Neve, Davrin and Emmerich will always have a place in my heart for their questlines, even though I love all the other companions too - but those really resonated with me.

Combat. Holy shit, a DA game with a fun combat system. That's all really.

The Middling

The music. I don't love it but I don't hate it. I can count on one hand the amount of times the music made me feel something - basically the last scene of the Harding questline and when The Main Theme came in during the final quests. Trevor Morris reigns supreme; I teared up more for The Lost Elf theme return than any other musical moment in the game.

The pacing of this game is... baffling. I'm not sure if its my own fault for basically trying to do everything in the first act, but Act 1 took me like 40 hours, while the remaining two acts took me 20. Weird. Will need to experiment because it might absolutely be on me, but yeah.

The Bad

It's basically one thing but honestly, every time it was brough up it was like a dagger piercing my heart while my stomach was stepped on by a bronto.

The lack of geopolitical talk both past and present.

Much as been said from the infamous 3 choices that Veilguard imports - and I will say, that even those 3 are laughably implemented imo - but never is it more felt than in this aspect. The past straight up does not matter. Worse; they actively disregard it imo. There is no difference between world states, no world leader talk, no nothing. It is just... nothing. And listen, the specifics deserve their own post eventually, but im just processing shit still.

The game is really fun, and the themes and characters that are there and the lore is fantastic and when im locked in, I'm REALLY locked in, but then when I try to put it in the context of the past games, what I loved about it - the politics, the disagreements, the sheer brutal way that history and prejudice can just fuck up a country, Veilguard just... it feels hollow, without any bite or flavour.

And this is the crux of all the problems, really, in the present in Veilguard.

The way people talked about the dark tone being gone? Yeah, I can see it here considering that there is no distinction between Dalish and City Elves anymore basically. The discrimination against elves is just... gone, apparently? Which is insane - because we are in Tevinter and it's just... abandoned? The way Rivain is all cool and shit about Magic and Spirits with like zero nuance or, more imporantly, any real consequences when [gestures to the past games] - it just makes the South Really Dumb because of course they are now ig. The Crows - these assassins that bought children to train, in what amounted to a sponsored slavery ring - are now freedom fighters and all the nuance of the assassinations is gone? The Wardens are fine mostly, really, but they are suddenly very above board all of the sudden.

And that's the whole thing here.

They have tried to make everyone stay so above board, to make everyone The Perfect Ally That No One In The Real World Can Criticise, that it retroactively sucked all the nuance and Flavour For Thedas At Large out of the story. It made the story worse because everyone is just so gosh dang nice and A Super Ally when in past games the conflict, the flavour of the Whatever Big Struggle was that everyone hated each other and was constantly in-fighting. Which made it fun and interesting to play.

Okay, sorry i forgot I had another one:

the fuck is that ending credit scene? with the executors implying they have been behind everything since DAO? Oh man, Bioware you can't do those types of stories - you tried in ME3 and [gestures]. Why can't Loghain just be a dude traumatized by Orlais which led to All The Things in DAO? Why can't Bartrand just be a greedy bastard whose actions bring about DA2 and DAI and basically informs Varric's character from then on?

What the hell.

Anyway.

Yeah, initial Veilguard thoughts.

Oh yeah, and Neve is hot and I love her.

[haru-kuneko]

My Thoughts on Devil May Cry (the Netflix Series)

For starters, let me just say that I am quite a newbie to the Devil May Cry franchise, and my first introduction to it was the 2007 Devil May Cry: The Animated Series. Imagine my surprise when Netflix announced they're gonna be making their own adaptation of DMC with Adi Shankar on board.

I was a little skeptical of how the series was going to turn out but it seemed promising as I like how they even have freakin' Evanescence to provide the theme song!

I was hoping this reboot would be an improvement of the 2007 anime to make it appealing to both casual and non-DMC fans. However, once I finally got to watch the whole show, it felt like a totally different show posing as DMC.

Instead of a dark fantasy story about good and evil set in a fictional world, it turned out to be a cheap dated junk with U.S. politics and religion shoved into it, the demons being made an allegory of Middle Eastern refugees and ends up alienating even a lot of DMC fans.

Seriously! You mean to tell me that Dante, a half-demon warrior, could not track down the demon that managed to disguise itself as a baby and get the mother's real baby back? Not only that, he would throw in corny pop culture references like Captain Planet which not everyone is gonna be familiar with, "Your mom" jokes and acts like an amateur who is yet to unlock his powers.

At least in the 2007 anime, he already has it all figured out and is aware of his heritage.

Oh! Let's not forget Lady, who is like if Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls was an unlikable tomboy trying hard to be edgy by swearing a ton. She talks like a teen who just learned some bad words. I'm surprised to learn that in the original games, she was just referred to as Lady instead of having a name like Mary.

The Demon King Sparda in the show is said to be a deadbeat father. I was confused because I thought he was dead for some time.

I remember being like "HAHAHA! Oh God! This is so cringe" once they start playing American Idiot by Green Day during the serious moments. I even laughed out loud once I heard one of the demons say "Bloody Hell!" because of how unexpected the British accent was. I can't help but think whether anyone who is one of White Rabbit's goons automatically gets an accent.

I would not be surprised if the demons start talking like Brits, considering the amount of experimentation Rabbit puts them through.

As much as I like the Rabbit, I really thought it'd make more sense if he was a human who later became a humanoid rabbit demon due to his trauma and obsession with "Alice In Wonderland". He could've been a mad inventor who turned the demons into super soldiers as he helped them go into hiding underground in New York.

If they actually want the demons to be these misunderstood creatures, they could've at least gone with how their aggression is just their way of fending for themselves due to their prior negative experiences with humans. Dante would be confronted by the tough idea of who's actually evil or not as he hesitates to kill an innocent demon.

It fails to be like Deadpool and feels more like it's something straight out of an amateur fanfic made by a fifteen-year-old.

Now I know not everyone is going to be a fan of comparisons but I feel like it's important in order to help get my point across! I think the one who is able to explore similar concepts better is "Murder Drones." The show may not be perfect but at least they were able to establish how the Worker Drones went into hiding and were able to build their own society after an apocalypse until a group of Disassembly Drones were sent to eradicate all of them. They live in a fictional exoplanet known as Copper 9.

I feel like the DMC Netflix series would've worked if they just set it in a fictional town and the demons were ambiguous. That way, it could resonate with anyone and be set anywhere else. The final battle with the Rabbit could've been as epic and brutal as the one between Uzi and Cyn.

It is quite a shame that the only reason many people would want to watch the DMC series is because of the villain. In that case, they might as well have made DMC focus on the Rabbit as the main character, despite being the villain, similar to Megamind where you know he's the bad guy and Dante is the antithesis.

[rose-garden-sonas]

Hi, I promised myself about writing out my thoughts on the Dark Knight quest bc I got a few peeps that are curious about it, as I was thinking about it since I finished up the first half of it lol (also take this gpose bc I wanted to take a cool pic of Ériu as a DRK)

Anyways, Minor spoilers on the FFXIV DRK job quest bc I’m not over it lol

Also this not entirely an analysis, just me expressing my thoughts about how it connects to me and my character in the matter as it’s been stuck to my head since I finished the first half few days ago (I’m still pretty emotional).

Im still thinking about how much the DRK job quest up to lv 50 went out for me, a certain moot got me to pick up the job as they felt it was something to look into, and boy, it was a journey...like a really good journey to experience! And I’m really glad to try it out because it felt like the perfect theme that would fit perfectly for Ériu’s character growth, in some way.

Like I definitely see how much it’s not just me that resonated with the story, the whole thing is phenomenal writing that actually connects with many players before me (thank you, Natsuko Ishikawa!), like the way they handled the portrayal of Fray, your “mentor” throughout the job quest (up to a certain point), the story itself is a lot more compelling than what I have experienced with other classes (not that I mind it tbh, I don’t mind the lore dump but DRK seems to stand out so much from the rest so far). Much of it ties down to getting the WoL to realize how much they’re so willing to help other without considering themselves, how they take so many things for granted without expressing HOW they feel about such tedious tasks, self sacrificing, carrying burdens, the “inner darkness” building up since the WoL decided to pick up the souls stone, many other things that gets thrown at you, basically Fray telling you to get your shit together.

Like, I had to look back at the dialogue from Fray trying to have the WoL connect with their role, as well as the inner voice stuff from two different quest levels, and just feel like this really connects to my WoL, who has been trying to understand her role as the Warrior of Light, trying to understand her sister’s ideals, never had an issue with helping those in need bc she was always willing to be there, in spite of now realizing how over used she was before reaching Ishgard, where she was ALWAYS needed for almost everything as a last resort (something I didn’t notice until I finished A Realm Reborn), but Ériu doesn’t see that, it sort of fueled her hero/savior complex she had going on bc never questioned how she was needed to stop primals, deal with threats no matter how tedious, etc. She would at least see that even after the Banquet incident in Ul’dah, even from Ilberd reminding her how bad she had it from being used… Ériu is a mess.

So that is where Fray comes in to play, the whole time it felt like they were the conscience Ériu needed in her darkest moments, considering how much she was left in despair from losing so much people in her life (her sister especially, as well as most of the Scions who sacrificed themselves for her escape, you can sense the survivors guilt Ériu had), though I can imagine Ériu didn’t take it to heart at first because she couldn’t see it for some time since she was trained to Dark Knight-hood, trying to understand the voices in her head and all.

Going to skip head, as it’s clear this is a different approach for Ériu on her part, coming to terms, little by little, how these dark thoughts are affecting her throughout the questline, starts to see how much being a hero gets a bit unfair, through Fray. Especially from the scene where Ériu went out of the way to help the man within Lower La Noscea (I would have added this but left out for space) and even as Fray expressed how infuriating and ungrateful the man is to complain for the bloodied supply they savaged with their lives, Ériu does come to terms with that fact, sort of. She never actually see it that way before, so it took being with Fray to start to open her eyes, at least little by little.

Then comes the final quest, the last we see of Fray, this was the part that broke me, like legit brought me to tears, even by the end of it.

The reveal still stuck in my head since those day ago, as I'm writing this I can't get over how Fray was never an entity, but the inner darkness taken form, it was the epitome of Ériu's vicious soul, the other side of her...

Like it still blew me away how "Fray" was building up within the WoL to the point of wanting to take over them, like this definitely shocked Ériu for seeing...herself, take shape reflecting that of her physical self, her dark emotions starting back at her at this very moment, as they felt anger and despair... Ériu could deny it no longer this was what Fray was trying to show her. I cry at the end, as after defeating her dark soul, she still reached out to them, like to me this is just Ériu coming to accept these emotions, despite the hard times she endured as the Warrior of Light.

After the end of it all, I believe that from accepting her inner darkness, Ériu comes to terms that she was willing to see things in a different light, what truly meant to be a hero of her right, and not just a tool. How it’s okay to let go of these feelings, in spite of rough times, never let others take you for granted, something like that. Whether Ériu has anyway to utilize her inner darkness is another thing, as she is keeping her inner darkness at bay for now, but when push comes to shove, I would say she’s not against holding back, so long as she can control it…

I start to realize after this that this sort of parallels to her as a White Mage, if I can say they're like two side of a coin in Ériu's perspective, I think (if I can find the right words), but regardless, I just felt this class story wise felt like an important aspect to Ériu’s character.

I was tempted to place this story line of discovering her inner darkness as part of her lore, but I couldn’t resist my brainrot, like the idea of Ériu, a healer, just losing her shit at an enemy that pushed her too far, testing her limits as this righteous hero or something haha

[digi-lov]

SPOILER FREE Feedback — also Trigger Warnings at the end.

We all liked the movie!

The animation was good, and the redone evolution sequences looked great. The 3D models of the Digimon made for the fight scenes looked really good, not at all like the ones we got in Tri.

Seeing the 02 Kids again was sweet, makes me sad they didn't show up in the Tri. movies. The characters felt authentic, true to their personalities, but still like they've grown up.

The Plot could be considered a little slow, and the climax a little short. Nonetheless both didn't feel off in the moment.

TRIGGER Warnings and personal feedback (might be a bit spoilery)

Child Abuse. If that is a trigger for you, you might want to watch it in a safe place.

Blood. Not much, but just so you know.

Opinion of our group — gets into Spoiler territory

Body Horror. Maybe, the final enemy Digimon has a form that could be considered scary.

Lov: I really liked it. With most of the movie spanning one day, with a lot of flashbacks to establish Lui's backstory, it feels a little like not much actually happened. Also with so much focus on Lui, we don't get as much development for the 02 Kids as one might have wanted. Them helping Lui through this crisis does resonate with the strong group theme around the 02 Kids. With the much better looking new 3D models, I really would have loved more action!! Shakkoumon and Silphymon deserved more screen time. Also Angewomon was done dirty, they could have had her de-evolve on purpose to form Silphymon, instead of her getting whacked moments after evolving.

Partner: While I liked it, I'm a big fan of action, but we didn't get much of that. The emotional story beats weren't bad, but caught me off guard and were not what I wanted out of the experience right now.

Sister: I liked it, but whether or not you'll like it probably depends on what you want out of a Digimon movie. It's less about the 02 Kids and more about Lui and what he learns from them. Similar to Hurricane Touchdown and Wallace. So, if you're looking for a story that is all about the 02 kids, this might not be for you. I guess it feels a bit like a long but good episode. There is stuff about lore that seems open-ended, which could be intentional or setting up for the future. Kizuna was similar in that regard. It was great to see the 02 Kids again, almost like we never left. Daisuke especially shone in this one. The many cameos were also much appreciated. Also! I liked that they discussed what separating so many people from their Digimon Partners would mean, not just considering their own group.

Brother: I liked it. No promo cards for us </3 — a little weird to have so little fighting and no new evolutions.

[hauntingofhouses]

i think fandoms can be soooo ridiculous a lot of the time (see: all the nonsensical fan wars, discourse, etc) but i cannot understate how much i actually love fandoms.

like yeah it may be super nerdy and even cringe and outsiders look at it like "why tf do you care about these fictional characters so much?"

but 1) my field is literally..... literary studies..... in which all i do is study fiction and analyse it like an insane person, and 2) even if that WASN'T my field, thinking about the stories we consume is important even for any person to do, because thinking about stories exercises our brain to think critically!! why do you think our ancestors used stories as a medium to share knowledge, to propagate moral values and lessons? stories—telling them, thinking about what they're saying, and caring about the characters within them—are all inherent to the human experience!!!

so that brings me to fandom. because we are literally just making these little communities with each other based on our shared love for a particular story, and for a particular character or theme within them that resonated with us, or whatever. we're all here because we loved a thing so much that we built connections from it!!!

like yeah my irl friends laugh at me when i tell them i write fanfic, cuz ha ha what a nerd what a loser etc, but dude. i made genuine real friendships from fandom alone. from just obsessing over two characters we thought were cute together, we've gone to sending each other gifts and postcards and having voice calls and confiding in each other and sharing parts of us and our personal lives and our cultures (cuz we're all from different countries) with each other! like now i don't even share a fandom with most of my old fandom friends anymore but we still stick by each other and that's amazing???

also like, i cannot emphasise enough how amazing and encouraging it is to share your craft (art/writing/etc) with others in fandom. because for example if i make my own personal art or write my own original work, i'd have no one to share it to, no one interested to see it, and thus no one will be there to provide feedback or encouragement.

but if i post a piece of fan art or fanfic, people actually do see the work i post and care about the craft and the content it's depicting and even share their thoughts on it and that ??? is so motivating and lovely ??? because even though i make art for myself, art is still meant to be shared and seen at the end of the day—even if only with one person. so to be given the means of sharing our art in such a way, to have such a community that fosters so much creativity, it's amazing. i don't really get that anywhere else.

and especially to have this in like, a casual setting, you know, where you can just be yourself and do things according to your own time and energy without the pretenses of professionalism and a perfectly curated resume or portfolio, and all the confines of a rigid work schedule, which would all make the process of creation less fun and less genuine, and instead just more taxing and chore-like.

because fandom is essentially meant to be about doing what's fun for you! it's about sharing your creations and enjoying what others share with you. you make friends and you go ham with it.

and also it's why it's more frustrating when people take things too seriously and legitimately get upset over assumptions of other people's beliefs and hold the most minor grievances that could only be felt if you're like, chronically online.

but on that note, there are definitely still honest-to-god bad people in fandom spaces too (see: racists, TERFS, homophobes, groomers, harassers, etc). but that's the case with all communities, because bad people are always going to exist, and thus statistically speaking, the bigger a group or community is, higher chances are there's gonna be some awful people in there. but honestly that is its own can of worms and also that's not what this post is about, but i felt it necessary to address because i don't want to paint fandom as like, the best thing ever in the world, because fandom spaces are incredibly flawed, as everything is.

but i've always been one to appreciate things despite its flaws. and though this may be very personal to me, when i love things so much, i am still willing to stick around and try to change the culture around it in the ways that i can (like promoting internet safety measures, creating safe spaces for thoughtful and polite discussion, raising awareness on harmful stereotypes and fandom depictions or opinions, etc).

so regardless of the bullshit that online fandom spaces tend to perpetuate, i do very much still love the way that fandom allows me to connect with folks over something as silly as our little blorbos, and from there end up making life-long friends, or at the very least new acquaintances. insert reinforcement of my thesis statement about stories fostering human connection here. the end. send post.

[benny-the-spaceman]

smthn ive been thinking about a lot more recently is how much symbolism not just tlm 1 but tlm 2 have in relations to outliers or ppl who are different in society and how theyre treated or how they treat others. this has been explained to death by ppl much more eloquent than me for tlm 1, but i don't see it get discussed as much with tlm 2, which is probably just me not looking as hard as i could but i still feel like talking about it because it means a lot to me (more under the cut bc it's a rambling kinda night)

one thing with tlm 2 that i noticed pretty recently (like earlier today recently) is how "the oppressed" in a sense become "the oppressor" and, from personal experience, that feels a lot like how older generations of oppressed groups treat younger generations when they dont assimilate. im only going to speak from my own experience, because i know how often this type of stuff can vary from person to person but as someone with mental disabilities and as someone who's japanese-american, there's so many similarities between how the other master builders treated emmet in tlm 2 and how older generations have treated me and other people I know. like when emmet was being cheery and, well, himself, the other master builders and townspeople shunned him, because they learned that acting like themselves was bad and would hurt them. Similarly, i always learned that idea of "being yourself" or "embracing your culture", but as i got older all of a sudden the same people tell me i cant, or that it's dangerous, or weak, or dumb, or lazy, etc etc because they were taught that through their experiences. And as much as it can be understood why theyd want to do that, most of the time they feel like it's protecting you, just like how the master builders felt telling emmet to toughen up was protecting him, it often just hurts you. In my case, it created a huge disconnect between me and my culture that I'm still working to fix and it's made me only very recently realize how much of myself ive hidden or dont understand because of the disorders I have. I think it's all part of why emmet as a character resonates with so many people, myself included. He's really the best example of how suppressing individuality can hurt someone, and him going against that and showing that being himself is ok is something that's almost healing in a way. It rly feels like he's telling us that we can do that too! that being ourselves isnt something to be ashamed of or hidden and that hiding those parts of ourselves hurts us more than it helps!!

Long story short, emmet's character, in the 1st movie of course but in 2nd movie especially, really resonates with me, both as someone with mental disorders/disabilities and as a 2nd generation japanese immigrant. those themes of suppressing yourself to fit in and being told constantly that was the only way to be safe really hits different when youve been told similar things your whole life. It's part of why i cry when i watch both movies, because emmet's character understands that in a way i could never articulate before. He's rly a masterfully written character, and he deserves all the love he gets for being such

Anyways that's the end of my little ramble, have a cookie for making it this far 🍪 and have a good day/night 🫶

[yuseirra]

One more thing, I always want...to persist with the idea that someone really wouldn't have done things with bad intent, I feel it's better to live life with that as your schema, when you cannot really change what someone else does, it's happier to believe they didn't mean bad. It can be such a fragile belief, I had my share of hardships in my life too but I guess I've been lucky enough to be able to hold onto it so far. That's why I feel like, it's.. Great to express about all the good things about someone you can encounter but you have to be really cautious in terms of making a negative judgment about an individual. If it's an inanimate object, it's fine. And some people are just unforgivable. Some aren't as unforgivable but they are a disappointment and so on. But you never really know what's going on in other people's heads before they bring it out forth and sometimes it isn't even expressed so well as they intended it to be because language isn't perfect.

They do this, and done that, it's really easy to go on about what other people are like, but even I can't really change myself as a person so would someone else do it if I say it. I say the chances of that happening are so low. That doesn't mean you can't express your disapproval towards something, either. But you really can't..be so sure. If you're really in the right either. I think it's a good thing the world isn't so black and white in reality.

Funny how I really have a want to understand others and resonate with people and thus I studied psychology(a bit)it was fun. I have a huge desire to understand people. I have a lot of occasions where other's feelings just rub off on me and I absorb them. In that case, I want to know if what I'm feeling is so valid and worth it and it's not just me being entitled or overprojecting and all you see? If I have it... I want to make sure I can put it to some use.

It's sad feeling disappointed, angry, depressed, some sort of negativity towards something. Wouldn't it be nice if I never had to feel it? I really don't enjoy expressing such things towards another... I believe, what I create and my drive comes out of love and passion towards a thing. Really don't want to lose it...love is so powerful. I think I have a lot of it when it comes to things I'm passionate about. Hope that does get sent through one way or another. It's something that works in a really interesting way, perhaps it's a subject worth studying. I use it as a theme in many(if not all)of my stories too~

In "Man's Search for Meaning" was it? Hahh;; I remember it having said something like: the ones that held onto baseless optimism were the ones who died first, yeah, I tend to keep hoping. I've been let down a lottt of times. But I'm still alive I guess. Maybe it's a matter of how you hope really. I kind of want to rip it out and throw some of it away, some of my feelings away, it hurts more when you care more. I'm definitely going to suffer a lot when I have my precious things reaped away from me one day.

If I loved and felt less, I'd be a different person. Maybe someday I'll grow numb. I wonder if that'll be a good thing. Till then, I believe I'll have to live this way...I wish my love would pay off. I wish it wouldn't have me felt regret for having cared for something... In terms of people, I did find good ones in my life. For fandoms!!!! I wish they'd stop giving me pain!! Why can't things just end normally what's with these artists going for some shock artistic value uugh

So yeah. Just stream of consciousness. I hope you all have a good day♥ ugh..ugh..I really do hope that piece has some resolution!! I wanna wish it well!! Isn't that love!! I just. Uh huh. Kinda sad I have no power over it. But I don't consider myself to be as capable as those two artists responsible for onk either. I want to understand what they're doing~~~that's all.

[notquitedeadpod]

Today Not Quite Dead turns 365 days old!

A little over a year ago, feeling very disheartened and a little depressed, I decided to take the story about vampires I'd been piddling away with in the background of making Spirit Box Radio and turn it into a single narrator audio drama.

When I did that, I came up with a bunch of anti-rules:

I'd only work on episodes when I felt like it would be fun to do so

I'd make decisions about the story based on what was most emotional to me in the moment, rather than letting myself get stuck in the process of writing something with very restrictive plot goals

If I wasn't asking myself if I'd gone too far at the end of every episode's writing process, I wasn't going far enough

And so, the show was born.

This approach is radically different than pretty much every other writing project I've completed, and that's by design. At the time I started making NQD, I'd faced a pretty big set back with SBR and was struggling to work on it at all. I had a very clear vision for the show which at times made writing it very challenging and restrictive as an experience, and when I was faced with altering that vision, though I'm now convinced it worked out better that way anyway in hindsight, it was really difficult. It made me really rethink my entire approach to working on audio drama.

Writing NQD this radically different way was really good for me. I felt excited and giggly most episodes, and it was the first time I started to feel partially confident about my vocal performances. I noticed it was having a positive impact not just on my relationship with the writing on SBR, but how I felt about its quality overall. By working on something so different that required such a different energy, I came to value SBR more, and by the end of the show's run, I was in love with it the way I was at the beginning.

There's also the fact that I absolutely LOVE vampires. I always have. They're my favourite horror monsters, for reasons which are probably obvious to those of you who have listened to the show. They are almost indistinguishable from humans at a glance, they can live among us undetected, for the most part, but they are NOT human. They're different in importnat and unresolveable ways. As someone who has always struggled to fit in, this has forever resonated with me, and for most of my adult life, I've had an unserious vampire project or two being whittled away at in the background.

There were also some problems with how I wrote season one. NONE of the dates, times or ages lined up properly, and I frequently found I'd written myself into very boring, unfunny plot corners I'd have to spend a lot of time reasoning my way out of, which is no fun at all.

Something interesting, but not really good OR bad, is that LOTS of people found the show felt very trans to them, though none of the characters are transgender in canon. I'd not written the show this way intentionally, but it was very cool to see that other people had found this thematic thread buried in the story.

By the time I got to the end of Season One, I had to admit to myself that despite my best intentions, I had written a show with plot and themes. This was entirely an accident, but I was pretty happy to realise it. I also found that this show, something I'd written primarily for myself, had a real audience. This was a delightful thing to realise. You're all freaks, and I adore that for you, and I hope you're incredibly proud of yourselves, and I mean this entirely seriously. I am a freak too, otherwise I would not be able to write the show at all.

Anyway. We're over halfway through Season Two now, and my approach to the show has changed quite a lot. Though it has remained a project that is predominantly vibes-led, I've also found it exciting to spend some serious time thinking about the show's arcs and future and really indulging in making it As Much As Possible. As you will see over the next several episodes, that is So Much, actually.

On this year's first anniversary of Not Quite Dead, I find myself once again disheartened and depressed, because it's the slow slide into the long nights of winter, and as much as I love the cold and the dark, I struggle with my mental health year-round and this particular change of seasons is the one I feel is the hardest. But I'm also damned proud of this show, and not despite it's silliness, but BECAUSE of it. It's made me a stronger character writer, a better performer, and it's been a disgusting amount of fun.

Here's to another year of this ridiculous show about vampires.

Live. Laugh. Bite.

[self-loving-vampire]

what's your polycule like? I hear a lot about master and girlfriend but I can't quite map out the context

My master has been my husband for more than 8 years. We got married in secret while wearing lab coats back in 2015, while I was still in the middle of my battle to free myself from my parents and make an asylum claim. He pretty much saved me back then and I live for him now.

We actually met in a Touhou chatroom after I played Imperishable Night back in like 2009 or something like that. He was one of my first real friends and one of the first people who really knew me.

My girlfriend currently lives in a different country but plans to move close to us soon. We met in person when she visited last year and spent a lot of that time mostly just playing and hanging out.

I originally met her through tumblr, so I'm one of those people who can legitimately say their posting enabled them to suck tits (although I think running good tabletop games for her and being generally nice and supportive was probably a bigger factor there?)

Anyway, I wish the government let me marry her too.

The third and most recent one is Past Me. Earlier this year I realized that I was like, unironically in love with my more heroic and paladin-like past self and really wanted her to be around again in some capacity. I also felt kind of bad about just passively enjoying the life she gave me and I felt like I owed it to her to make her happy too after all she did for me.

This led to engaging in a sort of self-necromancy to essentially restore her from my memory backups. I had the guidance and encouragement of some plural friends on how to accomplish this. The summary is that it worked and now there is a sort of hazily separate source of thoughts in my mind, with meaningfully different emotions (which can transfer to me due to sharing a brain and all) and some memory weirdness that suggests that I really managed to restore a separate entity.

So now she lives with us too. I try to talk to her during all of my idle moments and also encourage her to interact with the world more (she's still a bit more withdrawn than me at this point). She's really enjoying Elden Ring and is looking forward to playing Wrath of the Righteous. I also hope she'll play KOTOR 2 one day because even though neither of us particularly cares about Star Wars I think the themes and arc there might resonate with her.

[dipplinduo]

I'm so sorry this isn't pokemon related at all but I gotta know which t swift albums are your faves lmao 👀 (I'm forever stuck in the folklore/evermore days 🤎)

Okay. I am pretty rigid on keeping the blog pokemon-related, but you, dear anon, have asked me about something that I love more than anything else.

So I'm gonna just go wild with this and give you more than you asked for because frankly I am one of the biggest swifities on this Earth and honestly squeal any time I get the opportunity to talk about Taylor's music because of how much of a massive impact it has had on me. I get nervous with each drop but, without fail? Each and every album, in order, tends to follow themes in my life and somehow encapsulates a lot of what I'm going through in some way. I love each of these albums in their own way, and it's a bit hard to give them rankings. Less favorites are still very much favorites though!

1 - reputation

Holy trinity: I Did Something Bad; Don't Blame Me; New Year's Day Honorable mentions: literally every other song

This album was a torniquet for me, and even when I'm not fully relating to it emotionally as much it may just be permanently cemented in my heart and soul as the top dog because of how monumental it was to me. It dropped at a time in my life when I was reallllyyy going through it, and a lot of the overarching narrative of "I will survive this tooth and nail for better days, even if my dignity is lost" resonated hard. I think the presentation and marketing of this album was utterly genius (reclaiming the narratives, sound production/lyrical risks and imagery that were executed JUST right, the MERCH REFERENCES, the "bombastic, external persona" that transitions to "this is the real me behind closed doors; I found and cherish what's truly important and that's all that really matters", etc.) was just perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. IDSM AMA 2018 performance is also the best live performance ever, forever obsessed. Overall, this album is the one I turn to whenever life is hard and I want to fan the flames of resilience.

2 - evermore

Holy trinity: coney island; tolerate It; 'tis the damn

Honorable mentions: champagne problems; gold rush; long story short; Willow

God, I love evermore. Didn't even realize how much I did until the past year or so. I have a lot of deep cuts on this album, and like folklore, it was just SO awesome to have albums where the general public could see more of Taylor's quill pen songwriting on full display (although glitter gel pen songs are EQUALLY cool). I love the maturity behind this album and it actually taught me how to fall in love with the colder seasons and weather. Coney Island specifically lowers my blood pressure like no other song has ever done and I can't even tell you fully why; it's so surreal and serene to listen to on planes. And tolerate it? CHRIST. When I revisited it as I went through some of it in real time, OOOF. DIFFERENT LEVEL OF RESPECT. It is def in my top 5 songs. 3 - folklore

Holy trinity: caridgan; the 1; hoax

Honorable mentions: my tears richochet; mad woman; the lakes; peace; invisible string; august

CARDIGAN. CARDIGAN. Rep is my favorite album, but cardigan is my favorite song ohmygooood. Never have I ever felt something epitomize my life experiences and personhood - it quite literally feels like an encapsulation of my soul. I feel very spoiled that it got to be a single and mv - just absolutely stunning. Personally, I connect this song to a return to lost childhood innocence. And I am proud to say I own one of the original original cardigans and the only way you can separate it from me is by prying it from my cold, dead hands. BUT YES, FOLKLORE IS ELITE. The storytelling on this album is next level and the surprise drop of such intricate thought during the height of the pandemic was very needed. Hoax is an oddly specific lullaby for me because it was a specific comfort to me at one night. The 1 is just ooOOOOF also.

4 - Lover

Holy trinity: All Of The Girls You Loved Before; Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince; Cornelia Street

Honorable Mentions: False God; Cruel Summer; I Think He Knows; Daylight

I honestly don't give this album enough credit because I resonate a lot with its visuals and messages. It is def a bit more slapped together than others, but I do like the symbolism in that. Lover is about all forms of love (romantic, familial, platonic, self-based) and I often times get told by irl peeps that this alongside the folkmore albums are the kinds of energies I tend to emit lol. Daylight in particular has one of the most fire TS quotes at her adlib at the end with the whole "You are what you love" thing, and GOD. Any time I think of it or hear it I re-evaluate a lot to make sure I can live by it. Fun fact: revisiting the song is how I ended 2023, and it was the trigger that made me decide to write fanfiction & start this blog, because it's important to follow all sorts of things that make you happy! <3

5 - 1989 (TV)

Holy trinity: New Romantics; Say Don't Go; I Know Places

Honorable Mentions: Bad Blood (both versions; fight me); YOU ARE IN LOVE UGH; Is It Over Now?; Style; Clean

This album is pop perfection and I think every Swiftie can agree on that universally even if you're not a big fan of 1989. But ooohhh my gosh, this album set me free when it came out. There are so many positive messages about expressing yourself, leaning into the messes of life, and also, just letting yourself loosen up a bit. I was in a bit of an angsty emo phase when the og came out (lol) and Taylor's bubbliness challenged me in a great way and helped me get a bit of my sunshine back. It was my second most anticipated TV re-release, and the vault tracks DID not disappoint. Now that I'm more in the range of what Taylor was reflecting on at the time, too? OOF. DO I FEEL MORE CONNECTED THAN BEFORE.

6 - Fearless (TV)

Holy trinity: Mr. Perfectly Fine; The Way I Loved You; Forever & Always (Piano Version) Honorable Mentions: Change; You're Not Sorry; White Horse; Fifteen; The Best Day; You Belong With Me

Gosh. Fearless. FEARLESS. This album just stands out to me as such an homage to my childhood in a lot of different ways - but more so of the braver side of me in it. I absolutely love the imagery and dramatics of this album and feel like its just a bucket of sunshine and golden stars and warmth. It takes me back to simpler days, and I love love love how Mr. Perfectly Fine leans straight into some of the bangers I really loved on the og. This is more of a sunshiny fire album to me.

7- Midnights

Holy trinity: You're Losing Me; Dear Reader; Bejeweled (new! lmao)

Honorable Mentions: You're On Your Own, Kid; Would've Could've Should've; Lavender Haze; Anti-Hero; Midnight Rain; Mastermind; Snow On The Beach (feat. More Lana Del Ray)

This album is very dreary in a lot of ways, and jeez, I needed it when it first came out. Happy to say I went from more of a "Dear Reader" vibe to a "Bejeweled" vibe from release to now. I love the concept behind it so much and it's interesting to be able to relate to the "coming out of the dread" side thats sprinkled in here and there. It speaks to the more "stormy" parts of me that I tend to hide from others, and I really relate to TS's portrayal of it given her own general outward disposition.

8 - Red (TV)

Holy trinity: All Too Well 10 Minute Version; I Knew You Were Trouble; Begin Again

Honorable Mentions: Better Man; Girl At Home (fight me); Nothing New; Sad Beautiful Tragic; Treacherous

Okaayyy, THIS is the fall album. And we're getting to the point where these beautiful albums LOOK like they're ranked low, but the favoritism is still very much high regardless. God, ATWTMV took ATW and added a whole MAGNITUTE of maturity and retrospect that really speaks to a personal experience that I've had. I am beyond grateful that we finally got it and younger me would be screaming in disbelief!! LOL. But yeah, this album is what I turn to for heartbreak at times (more so of messy, fast and quick kind of feelings), and Begin Again is very relegable as a spiritual palette cleanser. The red scarf is one of my other favorite merch items I own.

9 - Speak Now (TV)

Holy trinity: Castles Crumbling; Mean; Haunted

Honorable mentions: Foolish One; Back to December; Enchanted; Better Than Revenge (lol og lowkey); Ours (MH ruined this one for me temporarily); I Can See You

This album is another childhood reminder type of album because of how whimsical and fairytale-esque it is, but I'll admit that Fearless (TV) is a little closer to my heart. Castles Crumbling though???? OH. MY. GOD. That had my jaw to the ground and is def in the top 10. What a tragedy to add to SPEAK NOW of all albums, and what nightmarish foresight Taylor must've had to compose it way back when. Haunted also speaks to my soul but more in a familial kind of way, and Mean? Mean is the spiteful little child in me LOL.

10 - Taylor Swift

Holy Trinity: Should've Said No; Tied Together With a Smile; Cold As You

Honorable Mentions: The Outside; A Place in This World; Picture To Burn

I'm ngl! This album I'm probably much more disconnected with compared to others despite me being a big Swiftie. Most of this is because I wasn't fully a fan when this came out, and country music isn't really my kind of jam. I'm very curious about how the TV is going to be handled and I think it's going to grow on me a bit more. Nonetheless, the holy trinity is elite and Should've Said No/Bad Blood mashup during the rep tour changed me as a person. One day I shall yee the haw here.

This was a lot of fun to share (and I know you didn't fully ask for this but HERE YA GO LOL), TS is my kryptonite and my everything and I hope you enjoyed. :) <3

[goosefeather]

finished riverstar's home which is uhh the first super edition i actually finished since graystripe's vow?? i wanna say??

anway! final review: not enough death!!!

(actual, long review under the cut)

riverstar's home is Good. granted i had no expectations for it and kind of forgot it was a thing until it came out. but for a super edition that most people were like "huh? riverstar? really?" it really knocked it out of the park

and i just really think that the erins had a theme in mind (finding home and what that means to our guy riverstar) and the text actually supports that. and i know, most books do this and it is something we all had to learn in high school english. however, warriors has a thing where the messaging is telling us one thing but the actual text is saying something completely different (think of like... everything to do with bramblestar)

that being said, i liked reading about a young riverstar (yes, my character tag for him is river ripple and i prefer that but y'know riverstar is shorter) and his struggle to find a place in the forest territory. it's actually a really good coming of age story that really resonates with anyone who has like moved out of their hometown and has felt incredibly isolated because of that (like me!)

also as a dotc Enjoyer i really liked seeing the events from riverstar's perspective. unlike uhh the last two super editions where the new viewpoint didn't add anything (or it retconned something to make it worse!) or added in things that were just kinda... bad (still dont like brushpaw), riverstar was just enough of an enigma that it worked. like from gray wing's pov, riverstar is an Established Cat on the river and he plays it well. but in actuality he's just a lonely guy trying desperately to maintain his friendships while trying to carve out some space for himself. it's interesting and fun and even the one eye and slash bits that i didn't care for in dotc were fun to read about from his pov

unfortunately, this is dotc so the last half Drags. like it makes sense, obviously, after riverstar feels settled into his life and home and new role as leader, someone from his past comes back and makes him question all of it. love it, really. the problem is once they leave and make it a journey! idk what it is but the minute these cats start wandering off territory it turns into a snoozefest. tell me one book where a journey to some place was Fun to Read and you cant say TNP cuz we both know it wasnt

also, im so sorry, i know we love women here and we have to cuz the erins don't but i dont like finch. like the most she shows up to help with fighting slash's rogues and riverstar was like "she was feisty!" or whatever i knew it was So Over. im sick of this thing where they introduce a she-cat just for the purpose of giving our main male lead kits. it was bad with gray wing and slate and it's bad with finch. remember when she almost stayed behind? i was hoping so hard that it would stick

and like compare finch and riverstar to say night and riverstar (im not pitting two bad bitches against each other give me a sec). before riverstar leaves to go back to help the park cats, night is nervous, her and riverstar have been through a lot together and they lean on each other. so she's vulnerable with him and he's like "oh im sorry i dont think of you that way??" and she's like "no!!! you idiot!! as a Friend" and yeah it made sense cuz we've seen them grow together in real time. finch got None of that because she is not meant to be a character and it bugs me

however, clear sky came in to save the day and cause problems on purpose at the end so the book ended on a high note (for me)

and uhh yeah, this is already pretty long and i actually have More Shit to say cuz i genuinely did like this book a lot i just wanted to get my thoughts out while they were still rattling around in my brain

god i didnt even talk about how i wanted more cats to die

[writing-by-stormy]

Using Other Creative Mediums to Improve your Writing

(Obligatory do not plagiarize disclaimer!! Inspiration is good, copying is just lazy)

Recently I’ve been trying to improve my writing, primarily my descriptions of things like setting and body language, and a lot of writing cheat sheets and advice just wasn’t cutting it. It wasn’t bad—and actually gave me a place to start—but I felt like something was missing. However while practicing I was hit with an idea and it actually helped me quite a lot so I hope someone finds some use it in too :]

Here’s some ideas I came up with, however this is by no means an exhaustive list and honestly it’s up to you to decide what is and isn’t helpful for you, as everyone thinks and creates differently.

1. Photography/Art

This is the one I started off with. I’m a very visual person and was really struggling with setting a tone when it came to the descriptions of my settings. I could technically paint the picture but not well, and it would really slow down the story rather than adding to it as intended. This is where artwork and photography came in, I realized that (at least from how I approach it) the ways an artist conveys mood, tone, and meaning wasn’t all that different than how I was trying to. They were creating a literal visual representation of an image they saw, and I was trying to get others to imagine what I was imagining. So I compiled a collection of photos and artwork that really resonated with me and started studying exactly why. Here’s some things I did that I found useful:

Compiling images based off subject and/or setting (I.e. forests, the ocean, desert, etc.) and comparing and contrasting them. If all your images are of a river, then what common themes do they share? What’s different? What’s the difference between a tranquil river and a harsh, dangerous one (outside of just the obvious). How do different things in the environment contribute to or take away from the focus that you’ve placed on the river? Do any of them have a different mood? Create a different atmosphere? Are there any you like more and why?

Compiling images based off mood/themes. This one really helped me notice the subtle details that contributed to tone such as how vast or crowded a scene is, where the photographer/artist chooses to emphasize, etc. when it comes to this you could compare and contrast too, or if you want something more challenging you could try listing what every detail contributes to the overall image, as well as what (if anything) could’ve been left out without changing much.

pretending you had the power to change their appearance. say you’re working with a picture of a lake, what would change if you wanted to add an island in it? Would the island be the new focus or not? How much detail could you add before it became over saturated? How much could you remove before it became uninteresting? If the picture was taken during the day, how would the way you describe/imagine it change during the night?

Writing down the context you get from the image, as well as trying to imagine your own. Say you’re working with the image of a gorgeous meadow, and in the background are some awe inspiring mountains. Can you tell based off the image whether it’s remote or not? If it is, what about the setting changes? Is it harder to reach? Are the trails and roads overgrown, barely visible, or so old and rocky cars can’t pass over them? How far would you say civilization is? What would bring someone there? What might happen if there was a sudden influx of people in the area, would it be overrun with tourism? Would they establish a settlement and if so what resources would they have? Is the remoteness part of what makes it beautiful—like a nice vacation from society—or does it create a feeling of isolation?

2. TV Shows/Movies/Animation

There’s a few more options for this category considering it in and of itself is a form of creative writing. Honestly there’s endless inspiration to be found in your favorite shows and movies, so in turn there’s endless opportunities for learning from them. Here’s just a few I came up with

Writing dialogue. Does your character have to small talk their way out of an awkward situation but you’re struggling to convey the discomfort? Do you want to write an inspiring monologue but aren’t sure how to go about it? Want to give characters a distinct voice and speech patterns but can’t think up your own? Luckily there’s nearly endless scenes to use as a reference for your dialogue difficulties!

Learning about body language/character quirks/behavior. This is what I like most about shows and movies, because every single thing about how a character acts is unique to them. You can read all the lists you want but its different when you get to watch how it actually looks on a person.

Watch something you don’t like and make a list of reasons why you don’t like it as well as what you’d change about it if you were one of the people writing/producing it. Anything from the delivery of lines to the way the camera is angled could provide insight into what elements of a story you value the most.

Getting to see character traits in the flesh. This is especially helpful for certain characteristics that a lot of writers tend to get wrong, such as charisma, being humorous, manipulative, etc. It can be helpful to study these traits and read up about them on your own, especially if that’s how you absorb your information, but a persons personality affects the way they move through the world and interact with others, and sometimes it can help to witness this for yourself.

Chose a detail to change, and brainstorm the ways it would change the story. If the heroes mother never dies, would he have the motivation to leave the house? If the protagonist didn’t have their sidekick(s), would they come out on top as often as they do? If they weren’t bound by their love for their childhood sweetheart, how much sooner would they have left to pursue their dreams? What if the main trio grew up in the city rather than a small town, would their struggles be different?

Other/Miscellaneous:

also known as the ideas that don’t fit into the other categories, fit into more than one, or that I struggled to come up with enough ideas to make them categories of their own.

You can compare and contrast the ways stories have been adapted across different mediums. Things such as the anime adaptation of your favorite manga, the live action version of an animated movie, etc.

Compare and contrast different interpretations of the same trope or story (Ex: different Mentor characters or different adaptations of Beauty and the Beast)

Listen to a fiction/anthology/storytelling podcast and pay attention to the ways they establish a scene solely through audio and dialogue

Watch a live performance and pay attention to the use of props, costumes, and actions to tell a story

Play a video game and think about how you’d go about describing it, as well as how context changes the way you’d go about that. How would you describe Minecraft as your setting? If your main character wasn’t from that blocky world what would they focus on the most? Alternatively, if they were from Minecraft how would you go about describing things that would seem odd to us but not to them? Would the graphics and mechanics of the game reflect over into that reality too?

Happy writing, I hope there was something of value to be gained from this and that you have a lovely day/night <3

[wvffles]

I love this entire series so much, but this chapter specifically is one of my favorites out of everything you’ve written ♥️

sorry in advance to get a bit sad and sappy on the timeline, and for the length of this :’)🫶🏽

my mom and i would watch the one chicago series since before they combined them into one night actually 😅 then it became tradition for us to hunker down on wednesday nights, watch & talk about it together. i’m currently rewatching old episodes of chicago fire and the reruns happened to be on season 7, when kelly’s dad passes. I forgot how triggering those episodes actually are for me though so naturally, I came to binge re-read this lovely series for comfort <3 (also i really missed these two and this universe lol)

honestly I have so many thoughts for each wonderful chapter but I would feel super guilty for spamming :’) this chapter in particular though, hits me harder than anything i’ve ever read before — not in a bad way!🤍

my mom had epilepsy, and I was her caretaker pretty much my entire life. I connect so much with this story because it, feels like i’m reading a mirror, if that makes any sense at all. with all the doctors and the worrying, it’s written so authentically, which is understandable after reading your author’s note. i’m so sorry you’ve experienced such difficult hardships and losses yourself honey, I offer my sincere condolences. and i’m sending you the biggest hugs 🫂🤍🤍

Today was a better day, however, because George was awake. He was also more aware of his surroundings than usual.

And that night, an agreement was made.

In the morning, your grandfather was gone.

now these lines/parts specifically had me crying like a baby lol. december of 2021, my mom had to have surgery at the start of the month. her recovery was going a little slow, but well. however she passed away overnight, 2 days after christmas, completely unexpected. the day before she had been doing so well too— she had more energy and was more mobile without needing as much assistance. came to find out later that’s something nurses call a surge? :/ either way, those moments in particular really tugged at my heartstrings ❤️‍🩹

and i’m so sorry if this is too much, too personal or too heavy. or worse, all of the above 😭 I genuinely am not trying to trauma dump, I just wanted to express what this story means to me :’) i’m also an over explainer at heart, i’m sorry 🥲

“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough.”

this line too. I felt this way for so long after my mom died. I didn’t get the final cause for a while since she passed at home and not at a hospital, and to this day I wish I could go back. wish I could’ve done something different. but SUDEP (or, sudden unexpected death in epilepsy) is completely unpreventable so far. I just find it so cruel that this illness I spent my whole life helping her with, ended up taking her anyway and nothing I did mattered in the end. so reading that line, how she broke down, and everything she had been holding in, it really made my heart ache but I also felt less alone in a way.

everything that followed, it’s like reading a reflection. I shutdown and just went through the motions afterwards too, but ohhh how nice it would’ve been to have a dean ❤️ his support, how he takes care of her, it’s so heartwarming. and it’s really comforting to read. <3

a lot of my family distanced themselves afterwards which, it is what it is. that being said, the sentiment in this story of family isn’t always blood resonates with me a lot. my support system is really small, but they chose to be there for me unlike my blood relatives so, that theme in this story means so much — the way dean’s chosen family shows up for her as well, it’s so sweet. 💖

I guess the gist of what i’m trying to say, is I wholeheartedly adore this series and it truly means so much to me 🤍 I appreciate your work so much, and I love the unique feeling each piece of your writing brings 💗💗 I know I may sound like a broken record but truly I don’t think I can ever put into words how much I love your blog. you are an absolute sweetheart, truly a light peeking out between cloudy skies 💞

this chapter specifically was so raw, so real, and it was written beautifully. 🤍

thank you for your time lovely!💘 (again, I apologize if this was way too much 🫶🏽)

Smoke Eater - Part 11

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x F. Reader 

Summary: Dean Winchester is the cocky, but well-respected Lieutenant at Firehouse 25. He leads by example, but he’s also known to break a few hearts. He’s starting to crave something he’s never had, though. Something stable. Something real. 

That’s when he meets you, on a truly terrible day, trapped in a rickety old elevator.   

🔥 Series Masterlist

Word Count: 5,400 Tags/Warnings: Major angst warning. But also major hurt/comfort.

Part 11: “Heart of the Home”

You sat very still.

Your hands were gripped together in your lap when the doctor entered. He was tall and lean and blonde, and he would’ve reminded you of your boss, except this man had a kinder face.

You were sitting on the edge of your grandfather’s bed, hoping the doctor would say the bloodwork and scans came back fine. That they wouldn’t need to admit George into the hospital for further testing. That he could go home in the morning.

But your life had never been quite that easy.

“Okay, George. I’m sorry, but we need to admit you,” said the doctor.

He explained that while the malignant tumor of his cancer had been removed last year, the scans that had been done last month hadn’t been able to detect the bright spots now formed on George’s lungs and lymph nodes.

The oncologist would have to confirm, but you all knew where this was headed. Likely those “bright spots” were tumors.

George nodded slowly at first, taking it all in. He asked what his options were, as far as treatment.

“Your oncologist will go over those options with you,” the doctor replied. “We’re going to move you up to Oncology shortly.”

George thanked him.

And you sat very still. 

A hand fell on your arm, finally earning your gaze. George’s face was oddly calm, though the worry in his eyes was for you. You realized that he’d gently called your name, though you hadn’t heard him. Your ears were ringing.

His mouth parted to tell you something, but nothing came out. So instead, he tugged you into his arms, and he heaved a long sigh.

“I guess we’re here again,” he admitted. He let out a chuckle. “The Lord does like his tests…but maybe that car accident was a blessing in disguise, huh?”

You heard his voice, but your mind was buzzing—mainly with the doctor’s words, and with a bone-deep feeling that threatened to consume you.

Your car, your fault. Options, again. Here again.

Your fault.

When you didn’t answer, George pulled away a bit to give you a questioning look.

“Sweetheart?” he tried. You laid a hand on his arm.

“You still haven’t eaten dinner, have you?” you asked. Neither had you, for that matter. “I’ll get us something that isn’t rubbery turkey.”

George blinked at you, confused, with a growing edge of worry.

“Isn’t Dean getting your meds? Why don’t you wait for him to—”

“I’m fine,” you said, already getting up to grab your purse. “I’ll be back.”

George called your name again, but the ringing in your ears was now pulsing in time with your heartbeat.

You made your way down the hall to the lobby at a brusque clip, even with your neck brace on. You didn’t see Dean, but he certainly saw you as he was walking back into the hospital. Frowning, he followed and called out to you.

You slowed when you saw him, and he soon caught up with you. He rested a hand on your back.

“Hey, where you goin’?" he asked.

“We haven’t eaten in a while. I’m going to the cafeteria,” you said. Though you seemed distracted, your eyes meeting his only briefly. It triggered a small spidey sense running up Dean’s spine.

He gave you your prescription pain medication, which you took with a small “thank you.”

“Everything okay?” he asked. “How’s George doing?”

“Fine. He’s resting,” you said. And by the look of you, that seemed to be true. But he spotted the tremble in your hands when you took the pill bottle package from him. It made him stop you when you tried to keep walking down to the cafeteria.

“Okay, you wanna run that by me again?” Dean asked.

You frowned, and your brows knit together. “What?”

“Is there something going on?” he pressed.

You sighed, but you didn’t answer him. You looked exhausted, and like you’d rather swallow your own tongue than speak. You shook your head and laid a hand on his wrist.

“I’m fine. Dean, thank you for everything you did tonight, but you still have to work tomorrow. Go home, get some rest,” you said.

You turned from him again. That was your first mistake. He reached out and grasped your hand to stop you.

“Hey, wait a minute,” he said.

“What?” you said in irritation. Your second mistake was not being able to look at him.

Dean was frowning in earnest now. Worry clawed in his gut, which was also telling him not to let you walk away from him. His grip shifted to hold both of your arms and move directly in front of you. He dipped his chin, trying to get you to meet his eyes.

“Come on, sweetheart,” he said gently. “I need you to talk to me.”

You inhaled a shuddering breath. A wave was rising inside you, threatening to pull you into its undertow. Your eyes burned, red and shining. Dean finally saw it when you raised your head, what little you could. Your mouth began to quiver, looking into his eyes. And it was done.

You could no longer be still.

Dean held you when you fell apart in the hallway.

Dean called out of work the next day to stay with you and George. Gordon would be acting Lieutenant until his next shift, and Dean was sure the man would take full enjoyment out of it.

He couldn’t care about that right now though. He felt that his place was here, being your quiet wall of support while you and George and the oncologist talked about treatment options.

“Normally, at the stage we’re in, I would be recommending chemotherapy,” said Dr. Benton.

“Normally?” you echoed.

“At the rate this is progressing, the treatment would have to be aggressive,” he said. His gaze focused on George. “However, at your age, and the current state of your overall health…at this point, I don’t think the rigors of treatment would be worth diminishing your quality of life.”

“What are you saying?” you asked. Your voice cut like a whip, earning the other men’s gazes.

George was the first one to lay a hand on your arm. “You know what it means, honey…he’s saying it ain’t worth it.”

“Of course, it’s worth it,” you retorted. With your brows furrowed and lips pursed, your eyes went from him to the doctor. “Just because he’s older, we shouldn’t even try? Is that what you’re saying, doctor?”

At that, even Dean drew closer to lay a hand on your back. Meanwhile, George squeezed your arm.

Benton shook his head gravely. “That’s certainly not what I’m saying.”

“How much time would I get, if I started treatment,” George asked, before you could volley further with the doctor.

Benton met the other man’s gaze.

“I’m going to be honest with you, George. You may get a few more weeks, or even a few months. But that is a best-case scenario.”

Dean drove you all home that day, after George decided to formally waive treatment. Both men knew you were angry in your silence, but neither one wanted to press you. Dean was too wary, and George was too tired.

Once he was settled in bed, you hadn’t even left his room yet before you grabbed a notepad off his desk and wandered into the hall. You started to make a list of things you still needed from the grocery store, among other things. Dean took that piece of paper out of your hands.

“Good. I’ll handle this,” he said. “Meanwhile, you can get upstairs, take a shower, take your meds, and get some sleep.” 

You frowned at him. “You haven’t slept either, Dean.”

“I’m used to it,” he said, giving you a wink and a slight smile. Overnight shifts could be a bitch at a firehouse, but Dean was no stranger to having his sleep interrupted.

“Listen to him, honey. He’s speaking sense,” George called from inside his room. The bedroom door was still open. He was settling into his bed while trying to stifle a cough. He sipped at a cup of water you’d brought for him.

Still, you looked reluctant. Dean held your arms and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Come on,” he said. “You were in an accident yesterday. You’ve had one hell of a night. You need your rest, or you’ll be no good to anyone.”

And if you pushed yourself much more, he worried that he’d have to take you right back to the hospital. Dean would rather not have that scare so close to the last one.

He brushed your cheek with gentle fingers. With the limited mobility your neck brace provided, you did your best to look up at him. Your eyes were softer.

“Okay,” you breathed.

“Okay? All right, good,” Dean said. You held onto his jacket for a moment, leaning against him.

“Thank you,” you whispered. You felt the burn of tears behind your closed eyelids. A few of them squeezed past and slipped down your cheeks. Dean held your face, brushing the tears away with his thumbs.

“Hey, I’m here, all right? Just let me help you,” he said. “You can lean on me when you need to.”

“I haven’t had that in a long time,” you admitted. “Part of me doesn’t know how to lean.”

“I get that,” Dean said. But you both knew that there was a long and difficult road ahead. He knew he didn’t have to remind you of it. “Whatever you need, you just tell me, okay? If nothing else, I’ve got a strong pair of shoulders.”

Somehow, you smiled. You pressed your forehead against his chest and inhaled deeply, to steady yourself.

“That you do, Lieutenant.”

You left for your room soon after, but not before you brought him down to you for one more tearful kiss.

Dean then watched you climb up the stairs to your room and nearly went up to help you, but he heard George call his name. Dean ventured back into George’s room and heeded his beckoning hand.

“You hungry? I can scramble some eggs or something before I hit the store. I think I saw two more left in the carton,” Dean said. George shook his head.

“Come ‘ere a sec.”

Dean took the hint and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I just wanna thank you for everything you did yesterday. Everything you’re still doing for us,” George said. He looked exhausted, but whatever he wanted to say was important enough to fight off sleep. He clasped a hand on Dean’s arm.

“You don’t have to,” Dean replied.

George huffed. A smile made his eyes gleam brighter.

“I knew you were a special one, Dean Winchester. Knew it the night I met ya, on your very first date with her.”

Dean blinked, but his pause drifted into a reserved smile.

“How’s that?” he asked.

“Well, I’ll be honest. When I heard that black Chevy rumble like hell’s wheels onto the driveway, I thought I might have to worry about you,” George chuckled.

Dean’s lips quirked.

“But no, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the pretty flowers, or our mutual love of killer sharks,” George quipped, making Dean’s smile more genuine. “It isn’t your job either, or the fact that you saved her. I just believe that you can see a man’s mettle in his eyes…and I saw it in you when I shook your hand that night.”

Dean took that in for a moment. His hand flexed over his knee. Then he met George’s gaze, though he didn’t know what to say. Sometimes though, honestly was the best bet.

“I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” he said at last. “I can’t imagine…”

George let out a breath through his nose. “I’ll tell you a secret.”

He pointed to a picture frame on his bedside. It was of him and his wife, Sophie, when they were around your age and Dean’s. The couple were sitting on a pier that hung over the edge of the lake in their hometown.

She held him from behind, with her arms wrapped around his neck. Her long hair was being carried by the wind, getting swept into George’s eyes. He was smiling too hard to care.

“I’m ready to smile like that again,” he said. He had tears in his eyes, but he was already lighter at the thought. “I know it’s selfish…but I think I’ve missed her long enough.”

Dean paused. Then he cleared his throat past a small well of something he couldn’t name. He wondered if his dad ever had thoughts like that.

“Well, I’ll let you get your rest,” he said. “I’ll be back.”

George nodded and gave Dean’s arm a squeeze. “All right. Drive safe. Don’t hit any goddamn trees.”

He shot Dean a knowing wink, and it almost had the younger man laughing. George’s sense of humor was something else.

Dean then left George to rest. He made sure he had his wallet, keys, and your grocery list before he left your house and went back to the car. He checked his phone and saw a missed call…from Cas.

Dean was reminded again about Azazel, the kingpin who might’ve ordered a hit on his family. Along with the recent murders and arsons, and the connection from one of the victims to your company, Savage & Co.

Dean returned the call as he climbed into the Impala.

“Dean. Everything all right?” Cas asked. “Sam filled me in about the accident.”

“Yeah, everyone’s okay…well, not really. I’ll explain later,” Dean replied. “Listen, about what we talked about at the bar.”

“Yes.” Cas said gravely. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go to your father about this yet.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” Dean sighed. “My girl just got some real bad news. I know you gotta keep digging into Savage & Co., but can you keep her out of it?”

“Is she all right?”

“Yeah, more or less…it’s her grandfather.”

“Ah, I see,” Cas said. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thanks, man. I’d rather her just focus on what she needs to do right now, you know?”

“I get it. And believe me, we’re keeping the investigation of Nick Savage quiet for now,” Cas said. “But if we find something, or worse, if I can’t…I’ll likely need to question her. She works directly with Savage, and from what I can tell, she’s instrumental in bringing in and maintaining several of his major accounts.”

Dean stopped at a red light and took a moment to rub a hand over his tired face, rubbing his eyes. “You don’t really think she’s got any idea of what that asshole’s into.”

“I’m not saying she does. But in working so closely with him, perhaps she’s noticed things about her boss, and the company. Things she’s kept to herself, out of self-preservation.”

Dean frowned. He didn’t want to think about shit like that. It made his stomach churn at the thought of you working for someone who might be doing business with a crime lord, let alone Azazel.

“Well, when that day comes, give me a heads up, okay?”

“Will do.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

Dean offered to take another day off to help you, but you wouldn’t let him. He needed to go back to work, and you were able to arrange working from home for the next few weeks.

Even Nick couldn’t refuse to accommodate you in a situation like this. He knew very well that if he pushed you too hard, you’d go directly to HR.

So he backed off, and told you to take as much time at home as you needed. It allowed you to put him, and that afternoon in his office, away from your mind to focus on taking care of your grandfather.

Though you called your best friend the day you got home from the hospital, Andréa didn’t come by your house to see you and George until the end of the week. She cited mounting projects at work and some kind of tiff with her cousin Meg, but it all sounded like excuses to you.

However, she was gracious enough to bring dinner for the three of you on a Friday night. She cut up with George like normal, and even got him laughing, until a coughing fit forced him to stop. It also took most of the joy out of the rest of the evening.

While George went up to his room to rest, Andréa later joined you in the kitchen. You were washing the dishes, trying to focus on what you were doing. But your mind was buzzing continuously with future tasks and worries. Always, tasks and worries.

“How are you holding up?” Andréa asked. She rubbed your back, and you gave her a slight smile.

“All I can do is make him comfortable, for as long as possible,” you replied. There were tears in your friend’s eyes, but she dabbed them away with the back of her hand.

“What do you need? Anything, you just tell me,” she said.

It was a little easier for you to contemplate leaning on Andréa. You had been friends with her for years, and she was like another daughter to George.

On the other hand, asking Dean for help always made you hesitate. What you two had was still so new. You worried that this was too much for your relationship, too fast. 

“Well,” you sighed as you wiped your hands dry on a kitchen towel. You didn’t exactly want to talk about it, but there were things you had to start planning, even if you didn’t know the exact timeframe.

However, as soon as you opened your mouth to reply, Andréa’s cell phone rang. She held up a finger to you and checked it. To your surprise, she actually answered it.

“Hey, babe,” she replied with a smile. You heard Benny’s deep voice on the line, asking a question. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m probably leaving soon though.”

She continued her conversation for a few more minutes, but you didn’t hear anything after that. A tension headache was sharp behind your eyes, while anger (yes, anger) rolled hot under your skin. Your lips pursed. You busied yourself with straightening up the kitchen until she continued her call for another few minutes.

“Sorry about that,” she said, finally turning her attention back to you. “So what do you need?”

You put away the last dry dish and turned to her coolly.

“Nothing.”

Andréa frowned. She knew there was something off with you, but her furrowed brows betrayed her confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” you repeated. “Don’t you need to head out, anyway?”

“No, I was just…what’s up with you?” she asked.

“What’s up with me is my grandfather’s dying!” you snapped. You left her in the kitchen, precisely so that she’d follow you out. You grabbed her purse for her and went to the front door, where you stepped out.

Andréa was dismayed and confused as she followed you out onto the porch. She raised her brows at you when you shut the door and crossed your arms at her.

“I know you, and this isn’t just about that. What’s the problem?” she asked.

“You can’t seem to detach from your boyfriend for more than five minutes to just be my friend. That’s the problem,” you replied. “But why should I be surprised? Like always, you’re too wrapped up in yourself to consider anyone else.”

Her brows knitted together; she looked hurt by your words, but also defensive.

“How can you say that when you’ve been exactly the same way?” she accused. “Since you met Dean, I’d be lucky to see you once a week—”

“I call you every week,” you began, counting the list with your fingers. “You’re always busy, but you never give me a day that works for you. And when we do make plans, you usually cancel. Why? Because you’re going sailing with Benny. You’re going to a restaurant, hours away, just to try the new sushi bar beer garden, or whatever the hell. Or you’re going on an impromptu road trip, or you’re planning a summer trip to Greece. Give me fucking break, Dre.”

By now she was frowning angrily, her arms crossed. “You’re mad at me because I have a life?”

“No. I’m happy for you that you found someone. I really am,” you said. “But we clearly live in two different versions of reality. I just don’t have the time or the energy to entertain yours.”

You knew you were being too harsh. You felt incredible guilt as soon as it all left your mouth…but part of you also felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest. The problem was, you still felt heavy. Just in a different way.

Both of you were crying when Andréa left your house.

All too soon, a week became a month. In that time, Dean called you every day to check on you. He spent most of his evenings with you and George when he wasn’t on shift. And when he was, sometimes Meg would drop in.

She understood your argument with Andréa, and she respected you for taking a stand when you needed to. She even confided you that she’d had similar frustrations with her cousin lately.

But Meg wasn’t your only visitor. Ellen had come a few times to bring you lunch and dinner, even breakfast, though you hadn’t asked her to. You realized then how close Dean must be to his friends at the firehouse, along with the Harvelles; Ellen also refused to take any money from you for the food.

By the end of the month, George mainly spent his days sleeping. Pain medication made his days nearly painless, but not without struggle. You were doing your best to care for him while continuing to work full-time from home. You were also exhausted, though you refused to admit it.

Today was a better day, however, because George was awake. He was also more aware of his surroundings than usual.

He stopped you from adjusting his pillow so you would sit down on the edge of his bed. He took your hand in his, brushing a thumb over the back of it.

“I’m okay with this, you know,” he said. You pursed your lips, but he stopped you from whatever you were going to say. “I don’t want to leave you. You know that…but I’m so damn proud of you. Your Gram was, and still is…”

Your lower lip wobbled as you tried and failed to keep your tears at bay. They stung in your eyes and slipped past your defenses, down your face.

“The house is yours. But if that’s too hard for you, just sell it,” he said, heaving a deep breath. “It’s just the bones. You’re the heart. And you always have been.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but not a sound would come out. You held his hand with both of yours and stared down at them. Until his voice once again commanded your attention.

“I always thought…moving to the city ruined my daughter. That we should’ve stayed in Lebanon. That maybe I gave her too much freedom, and I failed her somehow along the way,” George said. His eyes were heavy with old heartache. And yet, they soon began to lighten.

“But the day we lost a daughter, we gained one too,” he said. Then, he chuckled a little. “And I know I never failed with you, sweetheart.”

That proved to be too much for you. He pulled you into his arms like you were still a child, and he held you for a long time while you cried yourself out.

Though he eventually spotted Dean hesitating in the doorway. He’d probably let himself in with the spare key you’d given him.

George raised a hand from your back and silently beckoned Dean inside his room. He was getting tired, drifting off thanks to the morphine.

“Hey, lookie there. The boyfriend’s here,” George whispered with a bit of cheek. You sucked in a breath and raised your head, wiping at your eyes before you turned around. Dean met you with an attempt at a smile and a gentle hand on your back.

“Just got out of work?” you asked. He’d been on a 24-hour shift, and you’d missed him. You stood and stepped into his welcoming embrace. He dropped a kiss on your forehead.

“Yeah. I’ve got the next couple of days off,” Dean said. He greeted George next and asked him if he needed anything.

“Just some water,” the older man replied.

“I’ll get it,” you said with a sniff. “Need to start dinner too.”

“I already brought some food. You like Italian, right?” Dean said, with a subtle smile. It earned your sigh and a grateful smile. He knew very well that it was now one of your favorites. Italian meatballs always reminded you both of your first date.

“Thank you,” you said, grasping his hand. He squeezed yours with a nod, before he let you go.

When you were out of earshot, George cleared his throat past a wet cough. Dean reached over and grabbed him a tissue. George took it with a nod. Again, he encouraged Dean to come closer.

“I’m not worried,” George said, between deep breaths. “You know why?”

Dean just stared back for a moment. He genuinely had no idea what the man might say next.

“Tell me,” he said.

“My granddaughter’s strong. Always has been, because she had to be,” said George. “But you’re gonna be there when she’s not.”

Dean considered the weight of that charge. The anxiety in his chest felt familiar; like the day he got his badge at the Fire Academy, knowing then the responsibility he held in his hands.

That’s a lot to put on just three months of knowing this girl, came a more selfish thought. It sounded a lot like the guy he used to be, not too long before he met you.

But when Dean thought about you, and what you’d begun to mean to him…

He realized that he only had one answer.

“Yes, sir. I am,” said Dean.

George gave a tired smile. “Good man.”

And that night, an agreement was made. 

In the morning, your grandfather was gone.

Dean held you through what he thought was the worst of your heartbreak. But after that dour morning, it was like a switch flipped inside you.

In the days after George’s death, your shutters came up. You threw yourself into checklists and task after task—in funeral arrangements and planning and contacting distant relatives and friends.

This was your failsafe. Your version of “autopilot.” And these things needed to get done, after all.

But Dean worried when he no longer saw the softer side of you. Like your heart had been wrung dry. 

He inevitably had to go back to work, but in between the demanding hours of his schedule, he tried to get you to slow down. He saw the warning signs of you running yourself into the ground. He just didn’t know how to help you land.

So Dean picked up slack where he saw it, often without you asking him to. He began fixing the house, one section at a time. He enlisted Benny’s help, since he actually had a small construction business. Dean even paid for the materials himself without you knowing.

And one sunny afternoon, he took a break from repaving part of the cracked and uneven driveway to grab a beer inside. You were sitting at the kitchen table with stacks of papers all around you, your cellphone on speaker as some kind of elevator music continued to ring on a loop.

“Can you believe I’ve been on hold with the funeral director for 20 minutes?” you told him in irritation. But you didn’t truly take sight of him until he came back from the kitchen.

He wore a familiar ensemble of jeans and black undershirt with a plaid shirt, rolled up to his elbows. He was covered in a fine layer of sweat, and his hands were dusty and stained from his work on the driveway. Dean looked tired, and that made you feel guilty.

Meanwhile, he frowned and popped open a beer. “You want one of these? Looks like you could use one.”

You shook your head. With a sigh, you hung up the phone. You’d try calling again later. Instead, you focused on the next item of your checklist for today.

“Food. Because we’re gonna need to eat after the service,” you inclined your head. “Okay, still need to come up with a list of caterers, because I don’t think I can cook for that many people.”

Dean nodded at that. “Let me talk to Ellen. She’ll give you a good price, and her food is good.”

You looked up from your notepad and considered him thoughtfully. You wouldn’t have thought to cater from a bar, but he was right. Ellen had great food at the Roadhouse.

“Okay, I’ll call her,” you said.

“No, I’ll call her,” Dean insisted. He set down the beer on the table and leaned his palms flat on its surface. “Sweetheart, I told you I’d help you with all this. You don’t have to do it by yourself.”

“Dean, you’ve done enough,” you replied. Your brows drew together stubbornly. “You’re paving my driveway right now, for God’s sake! This is my responsibility, not yours.”

Dean frowned, making you sigh. You leaned back in your seat and crossed your arms.

“Look, we’ve only been dating for three months,” you said. And in your mind, a good chunk of that time had been spent in the worst hell of your life. “This right here? It’s a lot. I’m not expecting you to deal with all this…”

You bit your lip, and your gaze fell away from his as your insecurities took hold. The thoughts that had been plaguing you every night since this all began, on the night of the car accident.

“And…if you’d rather take a break from us for a while, I’d understand,” you said.

Your voice was more collected than you felt. But that didn’t make it any easier when Dean stared back at you, mostly incredulous. You even thought you saw a thread of hurt there, and it made your heartache worsen.

Dean came around to your side of the table. He dragged a chair back and sunk into it, facing you directly.

“You think that’s the kind of guy I am?” he asked.

You immediately shook your head. You weren’t trying to upset him, or imply that he wasn’t reliable, or trustworthy, or whatever was running through his head. You were just trying to be realistic.

You’re so pragmatic it hurts, as Andréa had often told you.

“Dean, it’s not that…” you began, a bit helplessly. “I just—”

“Just, nothin’.” His chair scraped toward you as he reached out for your hand. He made sure you looked him in the eyes when he said this next part. 

“I’m not leaving you with this.”

Your gaze met his, though you desperately tried to keep your heart from rising into your throat. 

“I’m not leaving you,” Dean said. His tone, his eyes, his hold on your hand was firm.

For a moment, you stared at him, unblinking, even as tears swam in your eyes. 

He’s not leaving you. 

Not like everyone else in your life.

You were grateful. Too grateful, even, for words.

When you finally broke down into tears, Dean realized what an idiot he’d been. Your wall of stoicism had been just that—a flimsy wall. Now it was shattered, and so were you.

It scared him just how much, as he gathered you onto his lap and into his arms. You didn’t seem to care that he was dirty and covered with sweat. You clung to him strong, and he held you back just as tightly.

“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” you confessed. “You save people all the time. I couldn’t save anyone in my life.”

Dean frowned. He cupped the back of your head, and he felt your tears sliding down his neck. His voice was thick with emotion when he was able to reply.

“Oh, baby. It’s not your fault.”

“I can’t…I can’t do anything. Anything that matters.” Your voice was a broken whisper. It damn near broke his heart. 

“Now you know that’s not true,” he said. “I’m not gonna let you lie to yourself like that.”

You trembled and heaved with sobs, and he continued to hold you.

Just be there, Sam had told him, when Dean had called him from the hospital. Sam reminded him again last week, when George finally passed.

Is that all I’m supposed to do? Dean thought. His brows furrowed, but he tried to hide his frustration.

He was used to people depending on him. He led a team. Before then, he’d looked out for Sam all his life. Dean had never had to help someone get through this kind of grief though. He just wanted to help you, in whatever way he could.

Because he was worrying, just like you. That whatever he did, it wouldn’t be enough.

But he couldn’t leave you. 

I can’t, and I won’t, he thought. So he took a breath, and he said the first true thing that came to mind.

“You’re the strongest woman I know, you know that?” Dean said. He spoke low and steady, but with the conviction he felt. “And that’s a tall order, considering some of the badass ladies I’ve got in my life.”

A smile tugged at his lips when he considered people like Ellen and Jo, Jody and Donna. He might’ve lost his mom, but he and Sam hadn’t lacked when it came to influential women in their lives.

“But I saw it the day we met. I see it every time we’re together,” he continued. “You work hard as hell. You take care of everyone around you…”

You were still quiet, trying to stifle your crying.

Dean let out a breath. “Man, if you only knew how much you’ve been helping me. Keeping my damn feet on the ground with this whole…arsonist mess my dad’s been investigating. Digging up the past, my mom, the whole damn thing.”

With a sniffle, you uncurled from him, just enough to reveal your face. Your grip on his shirt loosened, your palm flattening on his chest. He held your hand there and turned his lips to your forehead. He sensed that you were calming down. That you were listening.

“That matters to me,” he told you.

You nodded and tightened your hand on his. “Me too.”

Your voice was still shaky, but it sounded a little stronger.

“See? You might as well face it.” Dean grinned. “You’re a badass chick with a big heart.”

You snorted in response. Your lips even twitched at a smile. He spied it when he looked down at you. And you rested easier against him as your tears subsided.

“Thank you,” you whispered. He dried your cheek with a brush of his hand. 

“For what?” he asked.

“For staying.”

AN: So first off, I'm sorry for the gritty "reality" of this one. It's just where the story took me, though it serves a purpose narratively and for both the reader and Dean's character development.

But also, I think this has just been on my mind, since both my grandmother and great uncle (brother and sister) died within a year of one another due to different forms of cancer. My great uncle passed in May of this year, and my grandmother two years this past October.

Again, I'm sorry if this one was too heavy, but art does imitate life and this was probably my brain trying to express those emotions I couldn't fully make sense of at the time. George will be missed, but will still be felt in the rest of this story, as I'm sure any of you who've lost close family members will understand. 💙

Next Time:

The identity of Azazel will finally be revealed in Part 12. But first...

You nodded. “By the way, it was nice of Sam and Eileen to come. And Meg and Cas.” 

Dean smiled.

“They can be your people too,” he said. “If you want ‘em to be.”

You couldn’t help it. Your tears brewed and bubbled over. And you moved slowly across the couch to twine your arms around his neck. Dean’s lips tugged at a smile, and he welcomed you with an arm wrapping around your waist.

Both of you were still wearing the same clothes you’d been wearing all day; you in your black dress and Dean in his slacks and white buttoned-down shirt, though by now without the jacket, and the shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

You were infinitely exhausted. But one thing had become clear to you over the past few weeks.

“Thank you. Thank you for today, and for every day since we met,” you said shakily.

Keep Reading: PART 12

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